Rediscovering Your Strengths in Tough Times
By Pat Jurgens

Who among us has answers to stemming the financial downturn in the economy? Wall Street gurus didn’t predicte it; we can’t expect them to predict the future either. We’re on our own to determine how to preserve a nest egg or find work. Some of us have turned a blind eye to the numbers that mark our assets, others have cashed it all in, still others have lost much of their savings and are struggling with what the future may hold. No one can escape the personal reality of the decline in the markets. We are all affected– those who have huge assets and those who have little. And what is it that inevitably happens when a crisis is at our doorstep? A blizzard brings together neighbors who have not talked to each other for years. Forest fires bring forth amazing acts of heroism from strangers. When a loved one survives a car accident, you suddenly feel fortunate. You rediscover what’s really important. It’s no longer the shiny new SUV, or the furnace that doesn’t work, or even the house you call home.
There are some inner demons that try to trip us up. Fear can be a big impediment and sap our natural strength and good humor. When you feel like victim, it’s helpful to remember the old adage “Courage is fear that has said its prayers.” Rather than denying the facts or becoming paralyzed, the only way to get beyond it is to move through fear. This means summoning our inner resources and taking action, mentally and physically.
When we get stopped in mid-stride during hard times, we have to take another look at our lives. What do we value? What’s really important? What gives us strength?

People in our lives

Your family may live near or far away, but in times like these we reach out to those with whom we’re most connected. Many have friends who are like family. Get together for fun and fellowship. Have a potluck supper night. Play games like we used to do in the old days. You probably still have a few decks of cards and maybe that old game of Monopoly. Pop popcorn and invite the neighbors. Money may be in short supply, but laughter can always be found where caring people come together.
Phone the brother who you haven’t talked with lately.
Send an inspirational book to a daughter whose job has been cut.
E-mail an old classmate.

Community

In urban settings where you rarely bump into someone you know, the city can feel like a lonely place. Insulated in private cars, we line the highways without contacting the person next to us. Even on foot we pass those we don’t know with barely a glance. The urban sprawl is conducive to living anonymously.
Some of us prefer the natural surroundings and isolation of rural living. Whatever our living situation, there is still an opportunity to be part of our community.
Listen to your neighbors’ difficulties and take them some cookies.
Give to the local food bank.
Offer to pet-sit for someone who is ill.
Give away a warm jacket you no longer use.
Suggest carpooling.

Beauty

Look for beauty in life. It can create a balm of peacefulness. There’s the natural beauty of the woodlands and the sea. You can observe bird life and animals. Time spent in nature is an opportunity for the mind to calm down, for ideas to arise, for balance. There is beauty within the city, too. Museums, art galleries and musical performances abound. City lights can be inspiring. It all depends on your point of view.
Take a walk in the park or on a wooded trail.
Pack a snack and go to the shore on a nice winter day.
Join a bird watching group for an outing.
Check the free days at local museums.
Find free musical performances at schools and churches.
Play the piano.

Health

When you take care of your body, you feel better mentally and emotionally. Exercise is a matter of habit. “Just do it,” whether you are motivated or not. The result will be more energy and a happier mind and heart. You don’t have to jog a mile a day or run a marathon. Find what you enjoy and do that regularly. About 30 minutes a day is enough to raise those good feelings.
Walk the dog.
Ride your bike in the park.
Learn to snowshoe.
Join a water aerobics or yoga class.
Follow a stretch program on TV.
Build a snowman with your grandchild.

Spiritual Source

When push comes to shove, our deep inner beliefs are what pull us through the difficulties in life. You may belong to a church, pray or meditate regularly, find solace in the natural world and science or none of the above. Yet at the core of our being there is something that realizes a power greater than ourselves, the mystery that created us. If you have not connected with that part of your life lately, have another look.
Take time to be alone.
Go to a quiet place and reflect.
Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal.
Attend an inspirational reading or musical performance.
Find other people who inspire you.

Despite the financial pressures of the real world, there is an opposing reality – the hope of change. Even in this economic downturn most Americans have much more than the rest of the world. Remember to have gratitude.

Go Get Tea-ed Off!
By Melissa Conroy

Whether it is a steamy mug of red rooibos on a cold winter day, a fragrant spot of Earl Grey in an elegant tea house, or a misty glass of lemon verbena on a hot summer day, tea hits the spot every time. Tea can be comforting, thirst-quenching, bracing, warming, cooling, healing and addictive!

While the history of tea is somewhat unclear, we know that the Chinese were enjoying tea as early as the 10th century B.C. The tea they drank was brewed from camellia sinensis, a species of plants that originated in southern Asia. The delicious taste of tea and its reported medicinal qualities caused tea-drinking to spread to other Asian countries and eventually to Europe. When Charles II married the tea-loving Portuguese princess Catherine of Braganca, she helped popularize tea in Britain. Today, tea is drunk around the world, and it is an important part of many cultures.

The standard tea bag you receive in your cup at a restaurant or buy in bulk at a grocery store is a black tea known as Orange Pekoe, and is widely available. However, there is no reason for you to limit yourself to just one type. Tea has become a huge focus as of late, particularly because of tea’s health benefits. Growers around the world are producing a staggering amount of different varieties and blends. In fact, the time and weather in which a tea is picked will determine the type of tea: a single tea garden can be picked multiple times a year and can produce up to 200 pickings! A novice tea drinker can easily become bedazzled by the sheer amount of teas available: Gunpowder, Second Flush Darjeeling, Yerba Mate, China Oolong and that is not counting blended teas and special creations such as Chocolate Jasmine or Vanilla Coconut White Tea!

Luckily, teas are broadly divided into several categories. They are as follows.

White tea: The most health-beneficial and expensive of all teas, white tea is produced from the sun-dried buds and leaves of the tea plant. White tea is not oxidized (the method of exposing teal leaves to the air) and is the least-processed of all teas. Popular white teas are White Peony, White Pu-erh and White Silver Needles.

Green tea: Similar to white tea, green tea is also not oxidized, but it is usually dried through heat as opposed to sun and it is made from the leaves only, not the buds. Green tea drinkers enjoy a variety of green teas such as Zu Ch, Sencha and Matcha (powdered green tea).

Oolong tea: This type of tea is partially oxidized. Some oolong varieties are lightly oxidized, which gives them more of a floral taste while heavier oxidized oolong teas have a more toasted, intense flavor. Popular oolong teas are Pouchong, Monkey Picked and Rain Flower.

Black tea: The most highly oxidized and caffeinated of all teas, black tea is bracing, strong and full-bodied. It also is typically the tea that people are most familiar with: ask for tea in a restaurant, and you are sure to be served black tea. While most people know black tea in its form of Orange Pekoe, other black teas such as English Breakfast, Assam and Darjeeling are also very popular.

Herbal teas: Although not technically tea since they are not made from camellia sinensis plants, herbal teas are brewed from other plants and widely enjoyed. There are many wild plants and herbs such as mint or lemon balm that make wonderful teas, and tea herbs are usually quite easy to grow. Some herbal teas (such as echinacea or horehound) are brewed mainly for their medicinal qualities, while others are drunk simply because they are delicious. Popular herbal teas include Chocolate Mint, Chrysanthemum and Rose Hip.

Whatever tea you choose to indulge in, it will need a little care in preparation. Here are some tips to keep in mind when making tea.
Make sure you brew tea in fresh, oxygenated water. Don’t use water that has been sitting in the tea kettle.
Lighter teas (such as green teas) generally need one tablespoon of tea per cup while heavier teas (black tea) need about one teaspoon.
Different teas have different brew times and water temperature requirements. In general, white and green teas should have cooler water (160-180 F) and shorter brewing time (two to three minutes), while black teas needs higher heat (190-200 F) and longer brewing time (three to five minutes). Herbal teas may need four to eight minutes. Be sure to follow the instructions on the package.
If you are brewing tea in a teapot, first slosh some hot water around in the pot to warm it up. Dump the water out, then add the tea and water.
Use tea cups and mugs when you can because cardboard and Styrofoam cups can affect the taste of tea.

Drinking tea is wonderful for the soul and spirit, and your body also will benefit from the health benefits of tea, such as the following.
Tea contain polyphenols, a type of antioxidant.
Green tea is the best way to consume another type of antioxidant called catechins, which are more effective at stopping cellular damage than Vitamin E and C.
Green and black tea reduce your risk of heart disease.
White tea is rich in fluoride and helps prevent tooth decay.
Green and white teas are powerful disease-fighters.
Black tea can help lower your cortisol level, which reduces stress.

After the teapot is drained, you will have tea bags and loose leaves left. While you can rebrew them, there are other uses for old tea bags and leaves.
Plants love tea! Mix tea with potting soil, add tea bags/leaves to your compost pile, and pour old tea on your houseplants.
Make a treasure map with your grandchildren. Crumple up a piece of paper, then smooth it out somewhat. Daub a wet tea bag over the paper to make it look old. Have them design a map on the paper.
Sooth your skin. Cold tea bags can relieve tired eyes, heal sunburns, and calm bee stings.
Dye white or linen fabrics with tea to give them some new color and life.

Now, it’s time for you to go put the tea kettle on, find your favorite mug and investigate some new types of tea. With the last days of winter blowing itself out, now is the perfect time to warm up with a soothing, healing cup of tea.

DEAR VICKI

As one year ends and another begins, I feel haunted by the “coulda, shoulda, wouldas.” I’ve made so many mistakes that resulted in a disappointing marriage and a lackluster career. Maybe if I’d had some breaks and encouragement, I would have done better. If I could do things over, I’d make different choices but it’s too late for that now that I am in my latter years. Sometimes, I read the obituaries and cringe when I think how little of substance will be written in mine. I read about successful people or watch them on television and berate myself for not doing more with my life. How can I resolve these feelings of failure?

For many of us, the dawning of a new year heralds in a time of taking stock. And in our senior years, it is a natural task to look back and review our life’s trajectory. In fact, doing so can suffuse our lives with deep meaning and satisfaction. Or in your case, it can lead to feelings of loss and despair.

What makes the difference? Simply, it is attitude, our way of looking at the world.

You’ve fallen into some unhealthy thinking patterns and are viewing your life through this negative lens. No wonder you feel discouraged. Fortunately, these habits most definitely can be changed—at any age. The benefits to your well-being make it worth the effort that it will take to alter your long-standing patterns of thinking.

My first recommendation is that you stop using others as a yardstick to measure your self-worth. Doing so, in essence, is comparing someone’s outside to your own inside. You do not know their limitations, failures and disappointments because you are only seeing the window dressing. Such a comparison is faulty, unfair and damaging to your own self-image.

Next, work on accepting your past choices. Life is about learning. In order to learn, we must make mistakes, much as a toddler does when he is learning to walk. Accepting our human frailty and errors of judgment is critical to our mental health. When we reframe our self-criticism to the notion that we did the best that we could, given our circumstances, we let ourselves off the futile hook of self-condemnation.

Finally, address your patterns of negative thinking. The school of therapy that deals with learning to change negative thought patterns is called cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Health professionals recognize it as a highly effective treatment for low self-image issues such as you describe. It is also appropriate for issues such as mood disorders, anxiety disorders, eating disorders and substance abuse. To learn more, investigate some of the many books on the market that teach these skills. For example, any of the Feeling Good books by David Burns are excellent. There is even a Dummie’s Guide to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that provides detailed information and examples.

However, be warned. You are trying to change long-standing patterns of behavior and going it alone can be overwhelming. Rather than giving up and having one more thing to beat yourself up over, I suggest that you find a therapist skilled in cognitive behavioral therapy. Ask upfront for their experience with CBT and insist on setting goals and sticking to them.

To get you started on your path to more positive thinking, pay attention to your self-talk. That’s what we tell ourselves about everything from a situation to our own behavior. It’s our interpretation of the world and our place within it. These thoughts may be rational, based on fact, or they may be irrational, based on incomplete or false evaluations. And they may be positive or negative. What you want to do is to stop those negative blurbs in their tracks.

As a good reminder, wear a rubber band on your wrist. Every time you compare yourself to someone else, snap that rubber band and loudly say “Stop.” Re-direct your thoughts to a positive angle. For example, tell yourself something like, “Every day I’m getting better at appreciating what I do well.” Negative thinking is a habit and like all bad habits, it can be changed. It just takes practice.

Dwelling on regrets is a certain way to drain all of the happiness and joy available to you in the present moment. Instead, invest in yourself today. Learn these valuable skills to make the rest of your life become a positive force. Are you a good friend? A caring parent? A reliable volunteer? Everyone has strengths and gifts. You’ve done many things right because you’ve made it to this stage of life. Letting go of those regrets will free you to find your strengths and to live a life of resilience and renewal.

Family Relationship Stress

Several years ago, I relocated to be close to my son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter. Because he is my only child and I was widowed when he was young, my son and I have always been close. But now it seems that I do nothing right. He acts impatient and critical with me whenever he sees me, which are increasingly rare occurrences. I understand that he has a family of his own, but I am incredibly hurt by his behavior. My attempts to talk to him about this have been unsuccessful.

Let me first empathize with you about these difficult circumstances and then give you some questions to ponder. Your responses may help you to more fully understand what is happening and to move toward a closer relationship with your son and his family.

No matter what the root cause of this rift, the result is one of pain and rejection for you, and perhaps for him as well. Particularly because you were close at one time, the loss of this bond cuts deeply. Above all, be gentle in accepting the feelings of grief that arise from this loss. A family rift can be just as devastating as a death. If, at any time, you feel unable to cope with your negative emotions, please see a therapist or physician immediately.

Answer these questions with honesty, but without self-judgment. They are designed to help you find solutions rather than to determine fault.

• · Was there an identifiable point that instigated this change in your relationship? What was happening when it began? Try to identify what led up to this distance between you. The answer may provide clues to its resolution. If there was a provoking incident, do what you can to clarify misunderstandings and make appropriate amends.
• · How is your relationship with your daughter-in-law and granddaughter? Remember that your son now comes as a package deal. If there is tension between you and your daughter-in-law, you must address it in order to mend this rift with your son. Include your son’s family when you issue invitations and focus on building warm and respectful individual relationships with both your daughter-in-law and granddaughter.
• · What else is going on? Consider that your son may be taking other stresses out on you. Yes, that is unfair, but all of us are sometimes guilty of imposing our unpleasant moods on those we love the most. Perhaps his work is not going well, his finances are troubling or there are problems in his marriage. This is not a pass for bad behavior, but understanding these possible contributors may allow you to avoid taking his slights as personally.
• · What are your other sources of support and entertainment? Since you are new to the area, join a group, church or volunteer organization and develop a life for yourself with an array of friends and activities. Possibly, your son’s irritability is influenced by feeling responsible for your well-being and happiness. When your son sees you busy and involved with your own life, rather than being dependent upon him for sole support, he may feel relieved of a burden that even he is unaware of feeling.
• · How can you communicate your concerns? After you have addressed any of the above issues, take another look at your relationship. If necessary, consider again talking to him about this rift or writing him a letter with your concerns. Keep a positive focus on the future rather than rehashing what has already transpired. It’s not easy, I know! If you plan a discussion, practice what you are going to say first. If you are writing a letter, do several drafts and review them carefully prior to sending them.

Finally, let me suggest a terrific book that all families could benefit from by reading. Healing from Family Rifts by Mark Sichel is filled with wisdom, empathy and sound suggestions to help keep all of our family relationships humming along more smoothly. Although its intended audience is those among us who have been cut off from a family member, this uplifting book will help anyone foster more rewarding and satisfying relationships with their loved ones. Broken down into 10 practical steps, the book includes real-life success stories, effective communication guidelines and even tips for developing that full life outside of your family ties. It is available at local bookstores, Amazon and many libraries. Check it out.

Conflict about Conflict

My husband and I are almost five years into a second marriage for both of us. Mostly, things are good, except for how we handle conflicts. He hates to argue and walks away at any sign of disagreement. I think some conflict is healthy, if it is handled correctly. When he clams up and won’t talk through our problems, I feel shut out and dismissed. In the end, I think it hurts rather than helps our relationship to avoid issues that may create some heated arguments. How do we solve this difference?

Take a look at the personal growth section in any bookstore and you’ll quickly see that conflict management is a hot topic. Scores of books line the shelves about managing conflict in relationships, business, politics and almost every area of life. In other words, conflict happens! Even seasoned therapists and other “experts” experience conflict about the causes and cures for this common problem.

In order to give a comprehensive answer, I’d need much more information. Different theories approach conflict from various angles and we could explore your past, your expectations, etc. However, the following framework borrowed from the business world may give you fresh insight and foster better interactions.

Research in the field of human relations identifies five strategies for conflict management:

1. Competition – using authority or personal power to influence the outcome of a conflict, e.g., “It’s my way or else.”
2. Accommodation – allowing your partner to have his or her way and neglecting your own needs, e.g., “I give up. You win!”
3. Avoidance – ignoring the conflict and any attempts toward resolution, e.g., “I don’t want to talk about it.”
4. Compromise – resolving the conflict by choosing a solution that is somewhat acceptable to both partners, but not completely satisfying to either, e.g., “We both give a little and get a little.”
5. Collaboration – using cooperation and problem-solving skills to find a mutually satisfying solution, e.g., “We find an answer that satisfies each of us. We both win.”

While each strategy has pros and cons, people who handle conflict well select and use the one that best fits the situation. For example, you may need to use competition (or force) in dangerous or urgent situations. At the same time, always insisting on your own way is a sure way to evoke resentment and anger. Not a good pick!

As creatures of habits, we become stuck in a comfortable rut, most often using one or two of these styles although all of them are available to us. While certain questionnaires can help determine your primary style, you can probably identify both your personal favorites and those of your partner just by reviewing that list. Right? I thought so!

Furthermore, can you guess which styles are healthiest for couples? Yep, the last two strategies are your best bet in most cases. In particular, collaboration allows us to use our creative problem-solving abilities to foster mutual respect, meaningful rapport and interpersonal intimacy. Hey, that’s the good stuff that translates into love.

Hold on a minute before planning to collaborate all the time. It’s not that simple. Collaboration requires time and effort. Some disagreements are too trivial to justify time-consuming resolutions. Imagine that you and your partner disagree on which movie to see on the weekend. Accommodating and yielding to your partner’s desire to see the latest Oscar contender may serve you best. Aim for balance and consideration in these types of minor conflicts.

Talk with your husband about the five strategies. Without assigning judgment and blame, determine which go-to strategy each of you most often use. Then discuss your next most frequently used choice. Often, just using a secondary strategy will ease the log jam. Give it a try! Also, seek opportunities for collaboration, building your problem-solving skills and arriving at a win-win solution.

Consistently avoiding conflict or stonewalling, with the excuse, “I don’t like to argue,” undermines a relationship. In a similar manner, the person who dislikes going to a doctor risks their health if they use their distaste as an excuse to avoid dealing with medical concerns. Most of us don’t enjoy going to the doctor or dealing with conflict. However, for the health of our body, we overcome our resistance and seek medical care. And for the health of our relationship, we strengthen our bond by resolving differences in a mutually satisfying manner. If necessary, we can agree to disagree with respect in a way that honors our relationship and deepens intimacy.

Keep your eye focused on balance and tolerance. Choose your battles with care, avoid making “mountains out of molehills,” and shrug off those minor annoyances. Learn to ask for what you need. Your spouse is not a mind reader. When you voice grievances, use “I” language to communicate rather than “you” language which tends to blame and shame. For example, “I feel (left out, unappreciated, unloved, etc.),” rather than, “You are so (thoughtless, inconsiderate, etc.).

If you need more help, seek professional assistance without delay. When conflict escalates, becomes chronic, or is destructive. It erodes those loving feelings and sets up a difficult-to-reverse negative cascade of emotions. For assistance in finding a qualified therapist, ask your physician or a member of the clergy to recommend someone they trust. Clinicians trained in relationship skills include licensed counselors, pastoral counselors, clinical social workers, marriage and family therapists and psychologists.

Finally, remember that happy couples stay connected by communicating with many more positive than negative interactions. So, although conflict is a given, keep the tone in your home upbeat by balancing disagreements with appreciation, gratitude and by having fun together.

Check out these excellent books and audio recordings for more suggestions:

• Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, PhD.
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD.
• Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner-Davis
• Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

Looking for Friends

My recent retirement was my choice and I am happy with that decision. However, now I realize that all my friends were work-related acquaintances. I’ve gotten together for lunch a couple of times with the office group, but it isn’t the same. They’ve moved on and I need to do the same. My wife is good company, but I think I’m cramping her style with too much togetherness. How can I branch out?

Making friends later in life is as important as it always has been, maybe even more so. That’s because, as you point out, we lose some of those paths for social interaction that we’ve relied on in the past, like our jobs or the contacts we made through our growing children. Having a social support system is a key factor in maintaining both our physical and mental health as we age.

But for all our life experience, we hold onto the idea that making friends is something that just happens effortlessly. Wrong! No matter what stage of life we are in, making friends takes both intention and effort. Truly, it’s always been that way. Even kids must make an effort to have friends.

Let’s start with that intention. Accept that making new friends is both a challenge and an opportunity. It’s going to take some work but it will be an adventure too. Decide to make at least one attempt every week and hold yourself accountable by keeping a record of your efforts. It’s a great way to see what works for you.

Where do you start? Here are some suggestions:

• · Be a sport:

Find an athletic activity you enjoy or one you would like to learn. Avoid solo activities like jogging alone if your aim is to meet others. Instead, join a hiking group, a senior golf league or take tennis lessons. If you’re stuck for ideas, check out www.meetup.org for local activities and events.

• · Give of yourself:

Volunteer your way to new friendships. As a bonus, this will also help you to develop a sense of purpose (something that many retirees desire). Many communities, such as Anne Arundel County, offer a dedicated volunteer center that helps match your skills and interests to a community need. Contact them at www.volunteerannearundel.org or phone 410 897-9207. Choose a group activity where you work alongside others. Answering phones at home isn’t the ticket to making friends.

• · School rules:

That’s right, go back to school! Stimulate your mind and meet new people. Community colleges offer a wide range of classes for retired folks at a nominal fee. Steer away from lecture classes if you’re looking to ramp up your social life. Instead, choose participation classes such as photography or watercolor painting.

• · Keep the faith:

A large sign in our community says: “Rethink Church.” Indeed, revisit your faith or find a new one that suits your beliefs. Attending a weekly service may enrich your spiritual life but, by itself, probably won’t help you connect with others. Look for small group activity within the church or synagogue. It may involve Bible study, a cleanup crew, a soup kitchen or membership in a choir.

• · Go Clubbing:

You guessed it, join a club. Look in the newspaper for listed book clubs, art clubs, political clubs and more. Check them out. Also, investigate the listings in online newspapers such as www.Patch.com that provide excellent coverage of local organizations. And don’t forget the Rotary and other civic clubs. Once more, the trick is to become involved by volunteering.

Now what? So, you’ve taken the first steps. You made it your intention to make new friends and you’ve signed up for a class, joined a club, taken up a sport, and gone back to church. Great! You’re busy, but that’s not enough. This is the toughest part for many of us. You have to take it to the next step and reach out to these casual acquaintances.

Take courage! Keep your sense of humor and a relaxed attitude and decide to take the initiative. By now, you’ll have met at least a few likely souls who seem worth getting to know on a deeper level. Invite one of them to grab a cup of coffee after the meeting or for a drink after a round of golf. If they say no, that’s OK. Maybe next time, they’ll be free.

“You must kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince!” So, says a slogan on a pillow that I spotted in a local gift store. This holds true in making friends, as well as in romance. Some of your efforts will just not prove fruitful. Some people are too busy, too lazy or simply not interested in becoming friends. Don’t give up! Remember that even natural extroverts strike out sometimes. My rule is to reach out three times to someone that I’d like to get to know better. If at that point, I’ve hit a brick wall, I move on and pat myself on the back for trying.

There’s a whole world of new friends out there and now you have the time to invest in meaningful connections. What are you waiting for?

Mending Fences

I’ve lost touch with a good friend and don’t know what to do about it. Kathy helped me through one of the most difficult times in my life. When my husband died, I could barely put one foot in front of the other. She was my lifeline for that terrible year as I picked up the pieces and decided to move to be closer to my adult children. After I made that decision, Kathy started to distance herself and almost seemed angry that I was moving to another state. It was subtle, but I knew from her words and actions that she thought I was making the wrong choice. I guess I became defensive and made some comments to other friends about her lack of support. She confronted me about those comments on the day that I moved and we parted angry and upset with each other. It’s been almost two years since I moved and we’ve never been in touch. I still miss her and hate that we are no longer friends. I am so grateful and still love her for how she helped me when I needed it most and wonder if there is any way to mend things. Over time, I’ve come to see her side of things too. Maybe her pulling away had more to do with just feeling abandoned by my planned move. But what can I do now? We live far apart and it’s not like we can have coffee and patch things up.

It’s clear that this was a deep and meaningful friendship to you and it is worth trying to save. But you’re right that the physical distance between you poses an additional challenge to healing this rupture.

Why not start with a heartfelt letter? Try this: Write the letter saying everything that you want to say. Then, set the letter aside for a few days or so. After that time, go back and strike out every line and word in which you defend yourself or blame her. Keep the focus on your gratitude and love, on how much you miss her, and on what you would like to happen between you now. A simple “I’m so sorry for my mistakes” is sufficient and there is no need to beat to death whatever went wrong between the two of you. It’s past history that you both know too painfully well.

Focus on the future. In your letter, tell her that you’d like to get reacquainted if she is open to it and schedule a time for a phone chat. Take your cue from her response. Perhaps, she misses you too and is also hoping for an opportunity to reconnect. However, be prepared that she might have moved on emotionally and be uninterested in resuming your friendship for a variety of reasons.

If she responds positively, keep the connection growing with phone calls and maybe visits after a bit. If you get rebuffed, try to cherish the positive memories that you have of Kathy and let go, knowing that you tried to mend things. And remember that there are different kinds of friendships. Some people are friends for a reason, some are friends for a season and some are friends for a lifetime. You can make the first move in reconnecting, but it takes two willing souls to make a friendship work.

The Online Dating Question

After my wife’s death nearly two years ago after a long illness, I’ve slowly developed some interests and hobbies. However, I miss having a companion and am considering an online dating service. I’ve scouted a few out (and feel a little guilty doing so,) but haven’t registered for any. We had a wonderful marriage and nobody will ever take my wife’s place. I guess I still have some life left in me though and I’m healthy. What do you think I should do?

Of course, nobody can take your wife’s place and it’s normal to feel a bit disloyal when you consider opening yourself up to a new relationship. However, think of it this way. If your wife had been left behind as a widow, wouldn’t you want her to make the most of the remaining years of her life and find happiness where possible? You also deserve the same consideration from yourself. The fact that you miss having a companion can be viewed as a compliment to your wife’s memory!

As a man, the good news is that the odds of finding another woman to share your life with are quite good. There are many more available women than men. The tricky part will be connecting with the right one. If you’re hesitant about taking your search online, have you thought about telling your friends that you are interested in dating? Perhaps they know someone and are just waiting for your cues to make an introduction. Also, look around community groups and organizations that interest you for women who enjoy the same activities.

However, if you’d rather meet someone in a more private manner or just have difficulty in making that first move, online dating services are a great invention. These services have caught on to the trend that savvy, vibrant and single seniors are looking for love and friendship too.

You’ll have lots of company and more choices than you can imagine. These services provide a relatively inexpensive way of capturing a snapshot of more than a person’s mere physical appearance. Their profile will also provide a glimpse of their interests and personality in a convenient form. Even the manner in which that the profile has been prepared is telling. If it is prepared with care and infused with personality, the writer of the profile will probably reflect those same qualities in person. And much of the awkwardness of first dates may be eased by knowing something of your prospect in advance. By the time you actually meet, you’ll have exchanged e-mails and know something of the person instead of starting out cold.

A few caveats are worth mentioning, but they shouldn’t scare you away. When choosing a service, you might want to consider one that charges a membership fee. These do provides some screening and may be a bit safer for that reason. Still, make sure you check the site out thoroughly prior to joining and be sure that you understand all the dues and rules. Be aware that some services include an automatic renewal which will be charged on the credit card that you provide. Acquaint yourself with the cancellation policy so that you have no unpleasant surprises should you decide to withdraw from the service.

Also, be forewarned that while presenting yourself in your best light is recommended, some folks cross the line into fantasy land by using photographs taken a number of years and pounds ago. This misrepresentation can also extend to personal information written in a profile. Certainly, this is not the norm, but being prepared for this can reduce disappointment down the road. When you do meet an interesting woman, take it slow. Just as when you meet any stranger, be cautious, but not paranoid, until you get to know them better.

As for your own profile, take time to prepare it carefully and select a realistic, recent head-and-shoulder shot that is well-lit, clear and shows you off for your best. If you’re unsure of what to write, peruse the profiles of others to get some ideas. Be yourself, be upbeat, and be honest. Work on a couple of different drafts till you are satisfied and, if possible, check it out with a friend or family member for input before submitting it to a service.

There are a number of dating services around and some that specialize in senior dating. Use a search engine on your computer and see what comes up. Some of the more well-known services are Match.com and eHarmony.com. However, there are many choices, so do your homework. The best one for you is an individual choice and choosing well will increase your chances of success. While I cannot recommend any particular dating service, check out eDatereview.com for some comparisons and reviews about various sites.

One of the best predictors of happiness in a future relationship is a past, successful marriage. You’ve got that going for you so I say go right ahead and sign up—-after you check everything out first, of course. Be careful, be safe, but have fun. You deserve it!

It’s Complicated

In the last year or so, I’ve gone through a tumultuous time of change and loss. I’m now faced with some important decisions about how I’m going to live the rest of my life. It’s complicated, but the gist of it is that I can’t put off these decisions any longer. However, I’m stuck and undecided. I’ve sought advice from my friends, my pastor and a psychologist. It’s crazy but I’ve even gone to a psychic! Much of the advice has been conflicting which just confuses me more. How can I decide whose advice is best and how do I know what is right for me?

Although this is a very general question, let me take a crack at it. First, I am sorry for your loss and know that indecision is a painful place to be. And while seeking professional assistance is often helpful, particularly for complex issues, it, indeed, can be confusing and sometimes even misguided. Practitioners in any field vary greatly in their worldview, education, approach, professionalism and simply in their talent. Beware of swallowing lock, stock, and barrel any advice given by anyone. Remember: You are the only expert on yourself and your situation.

When I studied to be a professional counselor, I learned with dismay that the answers to every client’s problems were not going to be found in a book or in a class. In fact, as a therapist, I realized that the most important skill to acquire was the ability to help my client discover his or her own truths. You must look within yourself for the answers to what is right for you rather than relying on any expert who, at best, can only guide you.

Sounds like a scary thought, huh? It’s not as difficult as you think, so keep reading. You’ve already done much of the hard work! You’ve consulted with a variety of “helpers,” which I hope have assisted you to clarify the issues. And you’ve gotten some feedback on, perhaps, aspects of the problems that you had not considered. You’ve probably come up with several courses of action and have considered the pros and cons of each. These are some of the challenges that professional consultants should assist you in accomplishing. Their job is not to tell you what to do; if they’ve done that, run!

Reflect upon the advice you’ve heard. Has it been aimed to help you hear your own voice? If the advice has been respectful, knowledgeable, thought-provoking and on a level that is easily understood, you’ve been in good hands. However, if the guidance has been overbearing, bossy, preachy or superior, watch out. Do you feel like the advice-giver has listened and understood you? Or have you felt discounted, dismissed, or as if the person you are consulting has jumped to conclusions without hearing the whole story? You’ve received a lot of information. Use these observations as guides for discerning what advice has merit.

You’re making progress! Now, another word of caution: In times of turmoil, simplify. And a good rule of thumb is to avoid making major life-altering decisions for about a year after any significant loss. You need that time to stabilize and heal. If that’s impossible or you’ve already allowed this time to pass, give yourself a little more breathing room by eliminating any needless demands and distractions. Solitude and space are necessary for you to go within and hear your own voice.

If you have little privacy at home and can afford it, consider checking yourself into a bed and breakfast where you can rest and focus just upon the decision at hand. Give yourself the luxury of time and space to make the wisest decision possible. Avoid taking along temptations like the latest best-selling murder mystery, but do take along a blank notebook. Not a writer? That’s OK. Take it along anyhow. This is for your eyes only and you don’t have to worry about grammar or creating a work of literary art.

Free writing is one of the best ways to get in touch with your own inner wisdom and to learn what you truly think about an issue. Try a kind of “morning pages” routine that author Julie Cameron suggests in “The Artist’s Way,” a book that is as much about authentic living as it is about creativity. Morning pages are three pages of hand-written stream of consciousness thought preferably done every morning shortly after waking. For example, just start writing whatever comes to mind: “Another morning. I’m tired and don’t want to get up. I don’t know what to do about____. Maybe I could_____. Have to go to the grocery store, etc.” Keep the pen moving and don’t censor yourself. Why three pages? It may take a couple of pages of complaining and letting go before you zero in on something significant. And while it may seem easier to type these pages, Cameron and other proponents of free writing believe that the physical act of handwriting taps more deeply into our unconscious where wisdom and creative thought are stored.

When you are not writing in your journal, take walks, read something inspirational, pray or listen to music. Record your dreams. They can be quite revealing. Be still, be patient and look inside instead of looking outside of yourself. You’ve already done that and have all the information you need. Now is the time to connect to your own best counselor and expert — that would be you! And I bet you’ll find your answers—they’ve been there all along waiting for you.

Our Un-Anniversary

Our 25^th wedding anniversary is next month. We should be celebrating but, to be truthful, we’re going through a rough patch in our marriage. It feels like a lie to celebrate and it will be hard enough to even find a greeting card. I feel like skipping the whole thing. How do couples in trouble handle anniversaries, especially those important ones?

While I understand your desire for an “Un-anniversary,” try reframing the idea of a celebration to an acknowledgement of a life lived together. Consider that at the very least, you’ve invested many years into this marriage. Even though you feel quite negative now, you’ve gone through a lot of things together—some challenging periods but some good times too. Resist the urge to indulge in black or white thinking. Nobody is all good or bad and neither is a marriage.

To ignore the day that you wed could be a huge mistake at this critical time of raw and vulnerable feelings. Instead of a typical anniversary card, buy a blank card and make a list of five positive memories or five things that you appreciate about your spouse. As far as a gift goes, one of the best marriage counseling interventions that I’ve used is to give unhappy couples the assignment of buying an inexpensive, but thoughtful gift for each other. It’s surprising how walls often break down in the presence of thoughtfulness and consideration.

Initiate a frank talk with your spouse about the upcoming anniversary and your desire to keep it low key but as positive as possible. Decide together how to acknowledge this important milestone. Consider giving yourselves some marriage counseling or the gift of a weekend marriage workshop to ease out some rough spots. Check out the Web site: www.smartmarriages.com for some great suggestions. And hang in there, you’ve got a lot invested!

Dating Etiquette

It’s my kid’s fault! How good it feels to say that because parents always get blamed for everything, don’t they? I’ve been a widower for a long time and my daughters finally talked me into signing up for a senior dating service. As a result, I’ve been in contact with a couple of ladies and it’s progressed to the point where we are planning to meet. Now, I’m panicked. It’s been decades since I’ve dated! I don’t know whether to thank my daughters or blame them for my predicament. How do I make a good first impression?

By all means, thank your daughters for caring enough to encourage you to expand your social life. Obviously, they love you and think you have much to offer someone special. Their generosity in being open to their father dating is commendable!

The elements that go into making a good first impression are timeless and have not changed since your dating days. When we focus on having fun, staying relaxed and showing interest in others, we’re on the mark. Sounds familiar? But let’s break it down a bit just to set your mind at ease:

• · What do I wear? No need to invest in a new wardrobe or overdress, but take care to present yourself in a pleasing manner. For guys, shoot for classic and neat. No baggy T-shirts emblazoned with tacky slogans! Instead, choose well-pressed khakis, nice jeans, or casual slacks. Pair these with tailored shirts and/or sweaters for a stylish and simple look. Ladies, the same advice to stay classic and neutral is a good bet. Avoid too tight or too revealing clothing. Jazz things up with fun accessories to show your style. On a first date, think safe rather than flashy.· How do I act? Put this in perspective. It’s only a date and not an interview for your future life companion! Relax and breathe. Your goal is to have an enjoyable evening and to get to know this person a bit better. You’ve already exchanged some information which will help the conversation flow. Focus on your date and what you may have in common. The upside is that when you become interested in the other person, your natural self-consciousness disappears. People love to talk about themselves so listen more and talk less. Ask upbeat questions centered on topics such as hobbies, interests, favorite books or movies. This is not the time to get into family dysfunction and drama.
• · What next? Since this is a first date, keep your expectations in line with that. Avoid any rush toward physical intimacy which may be an immediate turnoff. Take your cues from your date. Is there a natural connection, a feeling of warmth and camaraderie? Trust your intuition. You will be able to pick up on those subtle cues if you pay attention. Does he or she lean toward you? Touch you casually on your arm? Laugh easily? Is there that spark between you? Again, err on the side of less is more. You can’t go wrong with a kiss on the cheek. If you’ve enjoyed the evening, say so and indicate that you’d like to see her again. If it doesn’t feel like a match, simply thank her for the evening. Above all, treat your date with kindness and respect.

The times may have changed but class and good manners never go out of style. Making a good impression is as simple as these few steps. Dating can add a zip to your life and is an adventure. Take the plunge and enjoy!

Is It Just “the Blues”?

Some of my family members have told me that I seem depressed. I say that I just have the blues. What’s the difference?

Unlike a simple case of “the blues,” which can be looked at as a limited and even normal response to a stressful life situation that passes of its own accord, depression is a serious medical illness. This disorder negatively affects the body as well as the mind and can alter one’s functioning on multiple levels. Depression colors your entire world, may endure for years if untreated, and can be life-threatening.

What concerns me about your question is not a matter of words used to define a condition. More importantly, it is the fact that a number of people close to you are giving you feedback reflecting their concern about your mood and deportment. Please pay attention to their observations. Often, we cannot be objective about ourselves, particularly when we get pulled into a negative spiral of thoughts, emotions and behavior.

A qualified professional can help you determine if you are merely experiencing a temporary case of the blues or if you are suffering from clinical depression. Seek out a physician, mental health professional or clergy member. Tell them of your family’s concerns and request a “depression screening.” It only takes a short time to complete and will provide you with the answers you need.

Depression is a real medical illness and not a sign of personal weakness or something you can will yourself to overcome. If you are diagnosed with depression, there is no need to suffer. Treatment is effective in most cases and most likely will include counseling and possibly medication. Please do not delay seeking help: Your life and your health may depend upon you taking action.

Long-distance Grandparenting

I just finished Skyping with my three-year-old grandson and could cry. My son and his family live in Germany and I rarely see them. Skyping should make me feel better, I guess. But it’s just a teaser. I can see them but not be with them. How can I be part of my grandson’s life when he is so far away?

Grandparenting isn’t like it used to be. Grandma and Grandpa most likely don’t live next door, ready to give hugs and share Sunday suppers. When we gave our children wings, we also gave them license to fly anywhere. Now, so many of us realize that they have done just that. And worse yet, they’ve taken our grandchildren!

Take heart. You can build a close relationship with your grandson even though you have little time together. It will take extra effort, but will be worth it. The grandparent bond is important in providing memories that nurture these loved ones long after we are gone. Use these ideas to build connections:

· Repeat, repeat, repeat. Children love to do things again and again. Do you remember reading and re-reading your son’s favorite book to him, probably to the point that you wanted to scream? It’s the same with your grandson. Choose a silly ritual, pet name or special song that belongs to the two of you—and then play it up. For example, my granddaughter, Daisy, knows that we practice yoga together. It’s not like any yoga you’d recognize! I give our poses crazy names and we end up twisted together on the floor laughing our heads off. In between our visits, she recalls this and looks forward to doing it again. Even though she is young, she associates yoga with me and more importantly, remembers the special time we share.

· Single them out. Make it a point when you are with them to spend time with each grandchild alone. Particularly for a child with siblings, one-on-one time counts. It may be more practical to function as a group, but the focus on just one grandchild will help him or her feel special and worthy. They too, will be focused on you, rather than a sibling or cousin. Even a quick trip to the nearby library can be festive. Bring a monogrammed book bag or bookmark and spend choosing a book that reflects his interests of the moment. Stop for ice cream afterwards.

· Pass it on. Have you noticed how much kids love stories, particularly ones about their birth or about their own parents? At bedtime, after we read books together, I tell Daisy stories about her daddy or about her Great-Great-Aunt Daisy who used to do the same thing with me when I was small. Someday, I trust that my granddaughter will remember my stories and tell them to her own grandchildren. Such passing on of family lore gives us a precious glimpse of immortality.

· Keep in touch. Even though you are miles apart, foster regular contact. Send post cards, small packages, talk on the phone and Skype. Yes, such video calls can leave you wanting more. Instead of focusing on the negative, turn it around. View this as evidence of the love you feel for your grandson and be grateful for another way that you may reach him. The upside is that Skyping will help your grandson recognize you. Thinking on how difficult it must have been for wagon train families who left their loved ones behind, perhaps forever, never fails to stop my own self-pity in its tracks. Thank goodness for technology!

· Make it count. When you visit, make it count but don’t turn the trip into a monstrosity where everything is orchestrated and has to be perfect. Balance! Strive for relaxed, fun, and above all, be flexible. Leave behind regrets over the limited time and stay in the present by practicing patience, acceptance and gratitude. Connect through ritual and repetition, one-on-one time and the passing on of stories and love. Plan a memorable outing or two but, more importantly, spend time together on a craft, hobby or game that is yours alone. Need some ideas? Just remember what you loved to do as a kid.

Grandparenting is a joy and we baby boomers and beyond bring to this life stage the same intensity, focus and desire we applied to earlier developmental milestones. We know how we think it should be and how we want it to be. Yet, this journey is not ours alone. We raised our children and now it is their turn to make choices that effect our proximity to our grandchildren. We can fight it, bemoan it or we can embrace our opportunities. Make no mistake, those opportunities are still there! We may have to look harder, adapt to new technologies and employ advance planning, but it is still possible to be an involved grandparent who provides an invaluable source of security, enrichment and love that will last a lifetime.

Caught betwixt and between

This is kind of a reverse mother-in-law question since mother-in-laws are always getting a bad rap for interfering and being critical of their daughter’s husband. In our case, the opposite is true. My daughter is unhappy in her marriage and it is driving me crazy. I love my son-in-law and we get along super well. “Steven” is a loving, loyal and caring husband and father and he’s got a killer sense of humor to boot. What he doesn’t have, according to my daughter, is enough ambition. In my opinion, she has a major case of the wants, as in I want this and I want that. Steven has a decent job, but I agree that he probably won’t set the world on fire financially. It doesn’t seem important to him to have the latest toys. My daughter complains to me and then gets angry when I defend him. I am worried sick about their marriage, hate to see them both unhappy, and just wish they’d find some other friends in their own income bracket. All of her friends married well and have money to burn. What should I say to her to make her come to her senses and count her blessings?

It sounds to me as if she isn’t open to hearing many of Steven’s positives and, as difficult as it is to accept, it’s not your job to make her do anything. As parents of grown children, we think that we know what is best for them, wish to impart the benefit of our own wisdom and experiences, and spare them the pain of sometimes learning things the hard way. If you think back on it and be honest, there were many things that we had to learn just that way ourselves. Let’s not rob our children of the opportunity to build strength and character through trying times and hard work.

That you get along well with your son-in-law is a gigantic plus. I congratulate you on successfully navigating this often difficult “appendage relationship,” explained in Stop the Screaming (Palgrave Macmillan, 2009) by psychologist and author, Carl Pickhardt, as a situation in which two people who don’t necessarily love each other are thrown together to form a new affiliation. In-law relationships are perfect examples of these appendage relationships and often can be troublesome. Your closeness to your son-in-law speaks well of you both.

However, remember that your daughter has a completely different relationship with Steven than you do. Her expectations are greater, the stakes are higher and the inside landscape of their marriage may be far different than what you view as a concerned outsider. You, and perhaps even she, may be unaware of another factor contributing to the discord.

Seek to listen to, but not solve, and never to take sides in, your daughter’s complaints. A calm, concerned, supportive voice can plant some seeds for growth with subtlety which is often more accepted and helpful than a heavy-handed, take-charge commando who swoops in to save the day. Make some gentle observations and pose any suggestions as just that—suggestions.

The best gift that any of us can give to our grown and married offspring is steady encouragement of their husband-and–wife relationships. It’s not our job to approve or disapprove, but rather to trust that they will figure it out. If the situation continues to deteriorate, urge them to seek counseling with a qualified marriage counselor or pastor.

Stay positive, stay grounded and stay connected to both of them. That’s the best way to help your daughter—and to keep your peace of mind too.

Heartbroken at diagnosis

My heart is broken for my granddaughter. At age 14, she’s been diagnosed as bipolar. I didn’t even know that it was possible for a child so young to have bipolar disorder and I question if that is the right diagnosis. She’s always been difficult for her parents, but she was a sweet and loveable child. In the past two years, her behavior changed and she sometimes doesn’t even seem like the same kid. Now, they have her on all kinds of drugs and she just seems flat and hopeless to me. Can this be the right treatment for her? I think the drugs are making her worse.

You raise some difficult questions. Formerly known as manic-depression, bipolar disorder has been identified in every age group, including preschoolers. It can be challenging to diagnose, partly because it affects each child differently. The symptoms may emerge suddenly or have a more gradual onset and include periods of extreme swings in mood, energy, thought and behavior.

Because of the wide variety of symptoms, bipolar disorder is sometimes confused with other psychiatric illnesses, including depression, attention deficit disorder (ADD or ADHD) and drug or alcohol dependence. To confuse matters more, within the broad category of bipolar disorder, there are subcategories with varying prognoses and treatment protocols. This disorder is also often accompanied (or co-morbid) with other psychiatric problems such as those mentioned above. Altogether, it is a confusing and complex issue to confront.

Whenever a child or teen displays significantly disturbed behavior, obtaining an accurate diagnosis is crucial. If her parents have not already done so, I recommend consulting a psychiatrist familiar with pediatric bipolar disorder. Her primary care physician should be able to make a referral to an appropriate and well-trained professional. We are fortunate to live in an area with access to excellent medical care. This is the time to take advantage of that.

How can a grandparent help? First, begin compiling a brief family history, noting any family members who have suffered with a psychiatric disorder or had a history of suicide attempts, reckless behavior, multiple and unstable relationships or drug and alcohol abuse. This will be helpful in making an accurate diagnosis. Also, encourage your granddaughter’s parents to maintain excellent records of medications and responses, your granddaughter’s moods and behaviors and professional consultations.

Become informed and educated. Research the Web site www.bpkids/org for some excellent suggestions. Your granddaughter and her family are going to need lots of support and love. If she has siblings, pick up the slack and spend some time with them also. They, too, will need attention. As for your granddaughter, continue to love her as she is. However, child-proof your home by removing or locking up any medications, alcohol and firearms. This is non-negotiable.

Bipolar disorder is a serious illness and, if it is an accurate diagnosis, there will be considerable challenges ahead. At present, there is no cure. However, research continues and treatment improves. It is certainly not a hopeless situation but early intervention is important. Medication is necessary and an accurate diagnosis and competent follow-up will ensure that it is the correct approach. Be strong and supportive and assist your granddaughter to achieve the highest level of wellness possible, knowing that there will be gifts, as well as difficulties, in the journey.

Family Relationship Stress

Several years ago, I relocated to be close to my son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter. Because he is my only child and I was widowed when he was young, my son and I have always been close. But now it seems that I do nothing right. He acts impatient and critical with me whenever he sees me, which are increasingly rare occurrences. I understand that he has a family of his own, but I am incredibly hurt by his behavior. My attempts to talk to him about this have been unsuccessful.

Let me first empathize with you about these difficult circumstances and then give you some questions to ponder. Your responses may help you to more fully understand what is happening and to move toward a closer relationship with your son and his family.

No matter what the root cause of this rift, the result is one of pain and rejection for you, and perhaps for him as well. Particularly because you were close at one time, the loss of this bond cuts deeply. Above all, be gentle in accepting the feelings of grief that arise from this loss. A family rift can be just as devastating as a death. If, at any time, you feel unable to cope with your negative emotions, please see a therapist or physician immediately.

Answer these questions with honesty, but without self-judgment. They are designed to help you find solutions rather than to determine fault.

• · Was there an identifiable point that instigated this change in your relationship? What was happening when it began? Try to identify what led up to this distance between you. The answer may provide clues to its resolution. If there was a provoking incident, do what you can to clarify misunderstandings and make appropriate amends.
• · How is your relationship with your daughter-in-law and granddaughter? Remember that your son now comes as a package deal. If there is tension between you and your daughter-in-law, you must address it in order to mend this rift with your son. Include your son’s family when you issue invitations and focus on building warm and respectful individual relationships with both your daughter-in-law and granddaughter.
• · What else is going on? Consider that your son may be taking other stresses out on you. Yes, that is unfair, but all of us are sometimes guilty of imposing our unpleasant moods on those we love the most. Perhaps his work is not going well, his finances are troubling or there are problems in his marriage. This is not a pass for bad behavior, but understanding these possible contributors may allow you to avoid taking his slights as personally.
• · What are your other sources of support and entertainment? Since you are new to the area, join a group, church or volunteer organization and develop a life for yourself with an array of friends and activities. Possibly, your son’s irritability is influenced by feeling responsible for your well-being and happiness. When your son sees you busy and involved with your own life, rather than being dependent upon him for sole support, he may feel relieved of a burden that even he is unaware of feeling.
• · How can you communicate your concerns? After you have addressed any of the above issues, take another look at your relationship. If necessary, consider again talking to him about this rift or writing him a letter with your concerns. Keep a positive focus on the future rather than rehashing what has already transpired. It’s not easy, I know! If you plan a discussion, practice what you are going to say first. If you are writing a letter, do several drafts and review them carefully prior to sending them.

Finally, let me suggest a terrific book that all families could benefit from by reading. Healing from Family Rifts by Mark Sichel is filled with wisdom, empathy and sound suggestions to help keep all of our family relationships humming along more smoothly. Although its intended audience is those among us who have been cut off from a family member, this uplifting book will help anyone foster more rewarding and satisfying relationships with their loved ones. Broken down into 10 practical steps, the book includes real-life success stories, effective communication guidelines and even tips for developing that full life outside of your family ties. It is available at local bookstores, Amazon and many libraries. Check it out.

Holiday Conundrums

I am going to have a full house again this Christmas — children, grandchildren and even in-laws. Last year nearly killed me! Besides running away, how do I make this holiday easier?

Be honest and announce that while you love hosting Christmas, you need some help so you can enjoy the holiday too. Next, plan and delegate with an eye to group participation. If anyone lives nearby, let them take over Christmas Eve or Christmas Day festivities. If they are all out-of-towners, ask volunteers to sign up for a meal or for at least one course like dessert. Last year, my younger son and his wife happily planned and prepared Christmas Eve dinner. My oldest son and his wife delighted us with appetizers and dessert on Christmas Day. My husband and I managed Christmas morning brunch and our main course for dinner while my daughter-in-law’s mother served up side dishes that were traditional in their family. I collected all the recipes in advance and provided the groceries since everyone was arriving by plane. Of course, this plan requires that you let go of control and maybe lower your standards for hosting a Martha Stewart-worthy holiday. The kitchen seemed chaotic at times, but everyone contributed and loved the spirited fun. Best of all, there was not a Grinch in sight!

Our children are married adults, each with a healthy double income. In the past, we’ve given generous holiday gifts, but we’re now retired. How can we cut back?

Speak up about it, but please do it now and not the week before the holiday. Explain your situation and suggest that you either draw names for a gift exchange or limit buying gifts to those for children. Your busy family members might be relieved to simplify their shopping too. If you decide to continue with an adult exchange, consider passing on heirloom pieces that you are ready to part with, like your grandmother’s linen napkins or the pearls you never wear. These treasured items make a meaningful gift and will keep your expenses low. Finally, an “experience” gift is a great way to cut back on holiday shopping. A promised weekend of babysitting is always a welcome gift to young parents. Another idea is a joint gift for the entire family — a family portrait or a weekend at a mountain cabin next spring. In the long run, you’ll save money and create memories too.

I am a widow with a new friend I’d like to include in our family holiday get-togethers. Hugh is nice–looking, but favors jeans and flannel shirts. My extended family always gets decked out at Christmas. I feel that I don’t want to be embarrassed and I don’t want him to feel out of place. How do I tactfully suggest that he spruce up a bit?

Dressing up is not silly. In many families, it is a sign of respect for the occasion, for other guests and is simply expected. But every family is different and the only way that Hugh will know what the norm is in your group is for you to tell him. Doing so is thoughtful and considerate. Be direct but kind. Men like to feel attractive too, so play that up. Pick out a beautiful tie in a color that matches his eyes. Tell him that you can’t wait to see him in it at your family Christmas get-together. Then offer to help him put together an outfit that will show him off for the handsome fellow that he is.

Morphing into a Cartoon Character

My name should be Sponge Barb, kind of like the cartoon character, Sponge Bob. That’s because I just sponge up everyone’s problems. My husband hates his job but won’t quit because he is upset about finances. He comes home, dumps his unhappiness on me and then spends the evening on the computer. He feels better and I worry all night. In the morning, my married daughter calls me to complain about her life. My father’s health is failing and I get bad news or complaints from him every day. My siblings can’t get along and vent to me about each other. I feel so heavy and weighted down by all these problems. My suggestions are never taken! How do I get these people to leave me alone and take care of their own problems?

Morphing into a sponge and soaking up the problems of those around you is an easy habit to fall into, but it’s also possible to choose healthier responses. Rather than focus on changing your family members, let’s talk about what you can change about yourself. You can’t alter anyone’s behavior but your own, so put your energy there.

First, take a look at what you’re getting out of this situation. Your reward could be that functioning as a sounding board makes you feel needed or important. Or, perhaps sponging up these problems is something you believe that you should do based on the female role models you watched as you grew up. Thus, repeating this pattern now feels like doing your duty and getting an “A” for effort. Similarly, the carrot that you are chasing may be love and approval from those around you.

Once you have a handle on what is driving your sponge-like behavior — and it may be a combination of factors — ask yourself the question popularized by a television psychologist: How’s that working for you? In other words, are you getting the payoff that you want? Even if the answer is yes, ask yourself if the payoff is worth the heavy and drained feeling that you describe. If not, get ready for a change, but be prepared that you may meet with some resistance and negativity from those who have come to depend on your limitless patience.

Choosing to be supportive and loving, without sacrificing your sanity and time, begins with having healthy boundaries. These are the limits we set in our interpersonal relationships that define where your sense of yourself and your concerns stop and another person and their concerns starts. At their healthiest, boundaries originate from a strong sense of self-worth to protect us from becoming swamped with the neediness of others. They are clear enough that we take care of ourselves by not taking on burdens that are not ours but, at the same time, these healthy limits remain flexible enough to accommodate unexpected and true emergencies when necessary.

Begin to notice when you feel put-upon and resentful as this may be a red flag that a boundary needs attention. Examine the circumstances and the motives of the person issuing the complaint. First, is this an issue that concerns you or that is your responsibility? And is the person complaining just for the sake of complaining or are they requesting assistance for a problem that you want to take on?

Let’s consider the situations that you mentioned. Your husband’s concern about finances sounds like a joint issue that could be addressed together. Are there areas where you both can economize? Do you need to take on part-time work to help out? Put your heads together and brainstorm some ideas to reduce your living expenses and his worry. If he refuses, then step back from soaking up his negativity. Be supportive and encouraging, but position yourself to draw a firm, but flexible line between his complaints and your peace of mind.

Ask yourself the same questions when confronted with your father’s health issues, your daughter’s unhappiness or your sibling’s squabbles. What is my responsibility? Can I change anything about this for the better? Do I want or need to take this problem on as my own? Then, do what you can and are willing to do. Perhaps you want to investigate some home health care agencies for your father or intervene by helping him understand his Medicare coverage. Maybe you could offer to babysit your grandchildren so your daughter can have a day off to recharge. On the other hand, the squabbles between your siblings sound like a problem best left to them to address.

Practice a few phrases to express your empathy and concern but that put the problem squarely back on the person who is ultimately responsible for solving their own problems. Most likely, the person complaining does not really want or expect you to solve the problem. When you simply repeat to them what you’ve heard them say along with an expression of understanding, they will feel heard and validated. For example, say “I’m sorry that you had such a bad day” or “It sounds as if you’re really struggling with……..” When you add that you trust their ability to handle this problem, because of their creativity (or cite another one of their strengths), you empower them to handle their own issues. And that’s the best gift that you can give to anyone.

Then, change the subject or leave the conversation behind as you move on in your own life. Picture these concerns melting away as you see that imaginary line between their problems and your responsibilities to yourself. When you take care of YOU by having appropriate boundaries, you are more able to offer real help, on your terms, when it is needed. It takes practice to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Keep at it and you’ll develop strength and improved mental health as a result.

Bucket List Woes

That movie, “The Bucket List”, just bugs me! Seems I keep hearing friends remark about some activity being an item on their “Bucket List.” When I heard that the name of the movie came from “Kicking the bucket”, I didn’t care for the title. But I liked the actors and so I went along with my wife to see it. Wish I had skipped the danged thing because now it’s stuck in my mind like a splinter that I can’t get out. I don’t think I have a blasted thing on any bucket list and can’t think of a single thing to put on one either—even if I did want one.

My wife has a list a mile long and that just depresses me. I don’t need a reminder that time is running out. She thinks I am avoiding reality and have given up. I don’t like to think about all the things that I’d wish I’d done. Is that crazy? And why do I need to make a list of things I want to do? Now that I’m retired, if I get up and want to do something, I just do it.

Don’t forget that this movie is entertainment and not an instructional manual on life! Still, I agree that the premise of the film has served as a thought-provoking tool for many people. Maybe you’re just getting stuck on the turn of a phrase. Labeling some unfinished and unmet goals as a bucket list, i.e., something that you must do before you “kick the bucket” can have a ring of gloominess to it—especially if we have a strong fear of aging and death. And remember that the main characters in the movie were terminally ill and searching for a way to make their remaining time meaningful and rich. That’s certainly a worthwhile goal for anyone at any stage in life.

Ask yourself what is the deeper reason that drives your unsettled feelings about this issue? Perhaps you have a persistent fear of the future. It sounds as if it also could be some misgivings about your wife having plenty of goals while you’ve settled for just being in the moment. If that’s a comfortable place for you to be, that’s fine. If not, take another look at what’s still possible. Sure, it may be too late to be a professional football star, but you could attend a game as your favorite team plays on their home turf. Look for ways that you can translate the passions of your earlier life into realistic activities to enrich your life today.

And since it touches a sensitive spot, just drop the name “The Bucket List.” Instead, concentrate on some things you’d like to achieve and enjoy this year, this month or even this week. These need not be momentous or earth-shaking activities, but having something to look forward to puts more positive emotion into our lives. That’s something we can all use, with or without a list to guide us!

Letting Go

I’m worried about my daughter. She is a 39-year-old attractive, successful professional who desperately wants to be married. Although she has had a number of relationships, it seems to me that she always sabotages them by picking them to death. Now, most of the men her age are married. The interest that she now attracts comes from men a decade or so older than she is. I see nothing wrong with that. Maybe what she needs is an “older man.” However, if a man is more than six years older than she is, or, heaven forbid, has gray hair or is balding, she won’t give him the time of day. I’ve tried talking to her about this and then we do nothing but argue. How can I get her to see that she is missing so many opportunities? I just want her to be happy, but I also think it is time that she settles for something less than the perfect man she has in mind.

While it is true that your daughter is denying herself opportunities to find the happiness she says she wants, this is not your problem. After you accept that, the rest becomes easier.

I know those words are simple to say but challenging to put into practice. And anyone who has been a parent can relate. From the perspective of our age, we see the bigger picture and let’s hope we have accrued enough wisdom to see beyond the superficialities of making general assumptions based on appearance.

But your daughter’s life is her own journey. She will make her own mistakes and celebrate her own successes — just as you have done. If you look back over your life, I’m sure you can identify those moments when you stubbornly held to misguided notions. Imagine if your parents harped on your choices. Maybe they did! What was your response? You probably dug your heels in deeper and resented their well-intentioned efforts to enlighten you.

Close your eyes and visualize this issue as a large box sitting on your lap, weighing you down. Now, picture yourself allowing your hot little fingers to let go of the box. If necessary, pry each finger away. Set the box aside. Gaze at it longingly if you must. But let it go.

Positive Hands-Off Support

Now, how can you support your daughter? Simply listen to her but avoid problem-solving which is only going to kick in her defenses. When we let go of trying to solve others’ problems, we enable ourselves to listen more attentively and express empathy in a manner that empowers them to work out their own solutions.

If she complains about her single life, try saying something such as “I’m sure it is difficult……” Fill in that blank with an appropriate observation. Then, voice your confidence in her abilities to handle this issue by reminding her of one of her strengths or skills. For example, “You’ve always been so resourceful. I’m sure you will come up with something interesting to do for your vacation.”

It’s OK to plant an occasional seed of assistance if it is done with subtly. Our children know us so well that they can often see right through even the most carefully phrased hint. It’s useful to begin any suggestion with the phrase “I wonder what would happen if…..” Think Detective Colombo! The key to employing this strategy is to then let it go. Do not engage in any argument if she discounts your hint. Shrug it off with a smile. You’ve planted the seed. In time, it may take root, but argument is never a successful fertilizer.

Take the energy you are expending trying to handle your daughter’s issues and invest in your own life. You’ve raised your daughter and clearly she is a strong and accomplished woman. Trust her to figure out her own life. Now, go and live yours!

Building Self-Esteem in Grandchildren

I’m the granddad of a great nine-year–old who is an average student and mediocre athlete. He’s a little like I was at his age. Lately, he seems down on himself and I’d like to build up his self-esteem. Any hints?

Sure, and thanks for asking! Grandparents can play a pivotal role in building positive self-esteem in their grandchildren. Here are some quick tips:

• · Be a positive role model. Show him how you treat yourself with respect and care.
• · Laugh with him and laugh at yourself to teach tease tolerance.
• · Spend one-on-one time encouraging him to develop his own interests.
• · Do use realistic praise for those personality traits, actions and efforts that warrant positive recognition.
• · Don’t overuse and cheapen praise by lavishing shallow words on meaningless or expected behavior.
• · Be affectionate. Hugs, pats on the back, high fives — kids eat ‘em up!
• · Encourage exploration and those attempts he makes at trying something new. Praise his effort and encourage persistence.
• · Share your stories of growing up and the challenges that you’ve overcome. You’ll be teaching and passing down priceless family memories at the same time.

Leisure Lifestyle Clashes

Last year, I retired and mostly enjoy my new life, except for my leisure time with my spouse. When he comes home from his full-time job, all he wants to do is sit in front of the “boob tube!” I’m ready to go out and socialize or just take a walk for heaven’s sake! Weekends are no different. He’s tired and says that since he deals with people all day, he just wants to veg out. I’m frustrated!

At any stage of life, it is not unusual for spouses to have differing recreational needs and when one partner retires, this variability may come into sharper focus to cause real conflict. Whenever understandable differences in temperament, energy, availability and interests becomes the focus of relationship conflict, power plays, built-up resentment, isolation, alienation and hostility can rear their ugly heads if not stopped dead in their tracks. How do you halt this negative cascade of events?

Compromise, my friend, is the name of the game, featuring communication with a capital “C.” Begin by trying to walk a mile in your spouse’s shoes. Of course, this is the last thing you want to do when you feel strongly that your position is the right one. However, here’s a question I ask my clients at times like this: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? If you’re smart, the answer is the latter. This question always helps me set aside my petty need to be right and get down to the business of looking for solutions.

Initiate a conversation in which you validate your husband’s need to have a time of respite when he is home. If he feels understood, he will be more apt to appreciate your own needs. Reach an understanding of just how much downtime he needs and, likewise, identify how much socialization keeps you happy. Once you have a better handle on what you both require, you can devise new ways to meet in the middle.

Discuss how to balance these needs — yours for socialization and activity and his for quiet relaxation. Perhaps if your husband has an hour of uninterrupted “vegging time” when he comes home, he may recharge enough to then be more active. Similarly, you may realize that socializing every minute of the weekend is unnecessary. Instead, you may find that meeting friends for dinner one evening or joining another couple for a hike on Saturday morning is sufficient.

Is it possible that the activities you suggest are part of the problem? Maybe he has no wish to learn ballroom dancing, but could get excited about the idea of kayaking. Make a list of what you each enjoy and again, look for the middle ground. Keep an open mind. If you each try something new, you might find a fresh and interesting mutual hobby that you’ve never considered.

In addition, take a closer look at how you structure your time now that you’ve retired. If you mostly engage in solitary activities or, worse yet, wait for your partner to come home and entertain you, it’s time to amp up your own life. Identify your passions, set some goals and go after what brings you fulfillment. When you remain active and engaged while your spouse works, you may need less socializing than you think. Also, talk with your husband about reducing his work hours and responsibilities. Perhaps he can find ways to cut back so he is not as spent after work.

Reframe your interpretation of his retiring nature and ask him to take another look at your desire to be social. Remember, those very qualities that now bother you about each other were likely the same ones that attracted you in the first place. Really? Yes, it is true that opposites do attract. If you were always the social butterfly and he was more retiring, it is a good bet that your outgoing nature attracted him. In a similar manner, you probably found his reserve to be steady and stabilizing. Every trait has its flip side — look for the positives.

Finally, if these tips do not inspire your husband to part with the television remote, consider professional help. Start with a good physical examination to rule out a medical explanation for his lassitude. Fatigue and inertia are symptoms of a number of disorders, including heart disease and depression. If everything checks out, but this conflict continues, consult a qualified counselor to help you work out this important aspect of your relationship. The right practitioner can greatly assist you to restore a climate of cooperation and appreciation.

Retirement presents some challenges for us to navigate and negotiate. Since a happy home life and harmonious relationship add both to the length and quality of our lives, temper your frustration, start communicating and find compromise. Search for that middle ground, it’s a great place to hang out!

He wants; She wants

I’ve been a widower for several years and have developed a romantic relationship with a wonderful divorced woman. I get along well with her grown children and grandchildren too. As a couple, we’ve traveled together and clearly enjoy each other’s company—in all ways. We have a great relationship and I’m ready to move it to the next level and get married, or at least move in together. Whenever I bring it up, she hedges and puts me off with lame jokes. It’s beginning to be the only thing that we do argue about. Frankly, I don’t enjoy living alone and want the companionship. I’m wondering if I’m wasting my time and should look elsewhere or persevere in trying to win her over.

Hmmmmm. You don’t say how long this relationship has been going on, which could be a factor in your friend’s hesitation. If this is a relatively new relationship, her caution may be simply wisdom born of experience and age. While keeping that in mind, let’s take a closer look at the issues.

When we were younger, one of the purposes of marriage was to establish a framework for having and raising children. Ideally, we combine our physical, financial, and emotional resources with our partner to give our child the best chance of a good life. While that isn’t the norm in many American families today, it is still the best scenario whenever possible. Among the other reasons that younger couples may choose to marry are financial concerns and expectations from family and society.

You are in a new life stage now and those purposes no longer carry as much weight. Instead of moving lock-step towards marriage, older couples are negotiating and often renegotiating the ties that bind them. Your lady friend may have a number of reasons for her hesitation. She may not need financial support, may enjoy her newfound freedom, or may have other misgivings that she has not yet shared with you.

In order to make a decision about the future, you need a frank and open discussion about this issue. Choose a time when you are both relaxed and begin with something positive, such as citing how much you value your relationship. Be clear that your purpose is to have a serious talk so that you may understand her views about your future as a couple. Make it your mission to understand rather than to persuade her to your point of view. At a later time, you can make your case, but pushing that now will only lead to defensiveness. This is the time to gather information. If she cracks jokes, remind her that this is serious to you and bring the conversation back to the matter at hand.

Once you have your answers about her reluctance, you can reevaluate the situation. Perhaps her reply exposed an issue that can readily be solved so that you can move toward greater commitment. On the other hand, she may be adamant that she desires no further attachment and seeks only intermittent companionship for social events.

Is that a deal-breaker? Only you can answer that for yourself. If your desire for live-in companionship and commitment are paramount and her resistance is unshakeable, then it may be time to seek other relationships. But first, you need answers and then you owe it to yourself and to her to be candid about your own intentions. If she continues to stonewall and refuses to discuss the matter, it will be a major clue that this relationship is probably not going to go the distance.

Remember there are many types of relationships that can meet our needs. Some couples, at this stage of life, are content to live separately with parts of their lives overlapping to varying degrees. These couples value their time apart as much as they value their time together. They report that it keeps the excitement and interest fresh and reduces conflict. Others need the stability and comfort of steady companionship and commitment. And the needs of partners may change over time, perhaps enjoying independence today and moving toward interdependence at a later point requiring further negotiation.

It’s interesting to note that older men are more apt to prefer permanent arrangements, while women of the same age tend to guard and cherish their independent lives. Typically, women have cultivated deep and meaningful friendships which meet many of their social and emotional needs. In contrast, men suffer from more loneliness and are more likely to seek to replace their absent partners. As a man, consider building up adjunct relationships with friends and family to buffer you against isolation and dependence upon a partner to meet all of those needs.

Your future with your friend is a call you must make together, with eyes, ears and hearts open, and only honest intentions upon your lips. With that in mind, you can settle upon a relationship that will enable you to enjoy this time of life without guilt and demands.

Who’s in charge?

I babysit my 4-year-old grandson at my home two afternoons a week while my daughter works. I love the time with him. But lately, my daughter and I are arguing about how to discipline him. She seems to change her mind daily about what’s OK and what’s off limits and I don’t know what to expect anymore. I don’t always agree with her views either and tend to be easier on him than she likes. How can we get past this?

How generous of you to volunteer your time, energy and love to babysit your grandson. I hope your daughter realizes what a blessing it is to have a supportive grandmother in the picture. Lucky mom, lucky little boy and lucky grandma too—these are precious moments for all of you.

However, conflict over rules and discipline is a common problem between grandparents and their adult children, particularly when babysitting is provided by the older generation. Let me be clear: The last thing you want to do is to undermine the parental authority of your daughter. Doing so can create a huge rift that may never fully heal.

Remember your own parenting years. It’s tough to hit that balance between being too authoritarian and too permissive. Your daughter is pretty new at this, so cut her some slack but look for opportunities to gently slip in helpful hints. Your job is to support her to be the best parent she can possibly become. And remember, she is the ultimate authority when it comes to your grandson. Sometimes, it’s difficult for us grandmothers to let go of those reins.

Whenever there is conflict, communication is key. In private, i.e., no children present, initiate a conversation with your daughter. If children overhear you arguing about these issues, it undermines a parent’s authority and makes your daughter’s job more difficult. It also leads children to believe there are one set of rules for home and another set for grandma’s house. Be as consistent as possible!

Begin by affirming your daughter as a parent and noting some of the positive parenting skills she practices with your grandson. Then, move on to asking her about rules and restrictions and how she would like discipline handled. Get clear on all specifics to reduce potential misunderstandings.

If you disagree on certain points, negotiate. Although she is the authority, you are not powerless and have the right to decide what is OK and what is off-limits in your own home. Bend where you can, choose your points of standing firm, ask instead of tell and practice the art of gentle suggestion. For example, if your daughter says a timeout of 30 minutes is mandatory for bad behavior and you believe that to be too harsh, ask if it would be OK if you tried 15 minutes instead to see how it works.

After you agree, sit down as a united front with your grandson while his mom spells out the rules. This reinforces to him that his mother is to be respected and that you support her as the boss. It also cuts off that nasty, but natural little tendency of children trying to pit one authority figure against another. Don’t even think about letting that start!

When you approach these issues as a problem-solving venture with you and your daughter as team members rather than adversaries, you dramatically change the tone of the conflict and increase your chances for a positive outcome. If there are irreconcilable differences though, you must agree to disagree while acknowledging your daughter’s authority (provided, of course, that abuse is not an issue). In this case, your daughter must find other day care options and it is time for you to bow out as a babysitter. Let’s hope that won’t be necessary because these tips help you and your daughter establish a comfortable and well-defined agreement in the discipline department.

When to Retire

How does somebody know when to retire? Professionally, I’ve achieved success. There are probably promotions I could still chase, but realistically, I don’t think they are in the cards anymore. I’m OK with that and continue to enjoy the challenge of my profession.

When to retire is a highly personal decision and you should address factors such as your finances, health and fitness levels, and personal goals for the next stage of life. If you are in a financial position to retire and have no physical limitations that limit your ability to work, the deciding factor then rests upon quality of life issues.

The nature of your question offers some clues worth noting. Because you are beginning to question your ability to stay “at the top of your game” or continue your level of interest and commitment, it sounds as if a transition is coming. Such a transition ushers in concerns that may be bookended by two opposing forces: 1). the fear of holding on too long to “what is” and 2). anxiety about what the future holds.

Let’s take a separate look at these two aspects. Your anxiety about holding on too long suggests concern about developing an age-related decline in your ability to continue as a productive and contributing employee. Most of us know co-workers who have stayed on past their prime and we want to avoid being a self-made victim of that same pitfall. However, age doesn’t mean that we’re relegated to being deadwood. Today’s mature workers bring much to the table in terms of experience, training, work ethic and people skills that enable us to function at a high level of expertise.

So, how do you know if you have what it takes to remain productive? With no hard-and-fast rules for retirement, listen closely to your own intuition and weigh the feedback you receive from others. Consider these questions:

• Do I have the physical energy for my job?
• What is my level of enthusiasm? Do I wake up most days eager to go to work?
• Am I biding my time until retirement or am I looking forward to new challenges?
• Am I flexible about learning new technology or procedures?
• What do my job performance reviews reveal about my performance?
• Can someone else (boss, co-worker, human resource manager) give me additional feedback about my abilities?

When you enjoy what you do for a living, giving up those daily interactions with your co-workers and the strokes for having done a job well is difficult. Your age, by itself, is no reason to give it up. Again though, the fact that you’re posing these questions suggests your satisfaction with the status quo has begun to wane—at least a little bit. Pay attention to that.

Sometimes, what holds us back from making a decision to retire is the fear of the future. This opposing concern can keep us stuck right in the middle of a transition. What should you do? Make a plan! Research indicates that people who fare the best at maintaining a high level of satisfaction and well-being after retirement are those who plan carefully for this stage of life. Of course, the best time to do that is while you are still employed, so get to it!

Begin by daydreaming about what you want your life to look post-retirement. If that brings up a blank or strikes fear into your well-employed heart, read one of the great books about retirement to jump-start your imagination. Ernie J. Zelinski’s book, How to Retire Happy, Wild and Free: Retirement Wisdom That You Won’t Get from Your Financial Advisor, will get even the most sluggish wheels of possibility turning. In fact, it may have you running full tilt toward the next, exciting stage of life.

Today, most seniors have the mental function and health that enable them to work longer at a higher level of productivity than their parents did. People live longer and can look forward to more healthy senior years. That’s good news! However, it also can make deciding when to retire a challenge. Heed those inner urges, listen thoughtfully and objectively to feedback and plan ahead. Manage your retirement as you did your career and you may be so pleased with the results that you find yourself wondering what took you so long.

Vacation Expectations

My husband and I own a two-bedroom time share at a vacation resort. Although the property is not luxurious, we love it and invite guests to join us occasionally. The problem is that my sister and brother-in-law would like to be our guests. When we’ve traveled together before, they expect the best of everything—a five-star hotel and impeccable service. Without that, they complain constantly. We dread inviting them because they won’t enjoy our resort and we’ll be miserable with their complaints. I love my sister dearly, enjoy spending time with her, and don’t want to hurt her feelings but I don’t how to keep us all happy.

Aim to be honest, direct and diplomatic. First, do some research. Is there a resort nearby that would better match their preferred style of travel? At most vacation spots, a variety of accommodations are available to suit various budgets. If possible, prepare a list of some alternative hotels.

If you wish, invite this couple to join you, but explain that your resort probably would not be a “good fit” for them. Briefly give your reasons, e.g., no daily maid service, casual accommodations, etc. You don’t need to run down your choice, but clearly point out the differences between what is offered there versus what they enjoy. Suggest they book a room at a more luxurious property nearby so you can spend time together but each have the space that suits your individual preferences. It could be the best of both worlds for all of you.

Relocation Pros and Cons

We planned to relocate to where our daughter’s family resides, but I’m worried. We’ll see them more often but that has strings. While we’re happy to help with child care, we want our own life. What are the pros and cons of living closer to grown children? — Dave

Relocation Dilemma

I am divorced and wish to live closer to family but my children are spread throughout the country. I’m considering moving near one child who lives in a warmer climate in a city that I enjoy. However, her siblings feel rejected. How can I win? — Susan

Relocation Blues

I moved to Maryland to be near my family. Now, they are being transferred to the West Coast. I’m devastated! Do I follow them again? — Jane

The decision about where to live after retirement is challenging — as these questions attest. Before committing to any life-changing relocation, ponder the pros and cons, the significance of your friends’ and family’s presence and your own hopes for your retirement years.

Relocating closer to loved ones provides increased opportunities to invest in family relationships. These bonds, sometimes taxed by geography, can strengthen to a rich source of joy and fulfillment and answer one challenge of post-retirement: the need to continue being useful and contributing individuals. Deepening family ties can provide both pleasure and purpose through functioning as a bastion of security, support, family values, history and tradition. And, as retirees age and need help themselves, living nearby family can ease the strain and offer greater peace of mind to everyone.

On the other hand, this choice presents some hurdles. Uprooting from friends, church, social groups and a community where you’ve lived for years is challenging. The demands of navigating an unfamiliar town, securing health care providers and establishing new friendships can induce helplessness and even depression. Retirees find they must redefine their relationships with grown children and may experience uncomfortable role-reversal and dependence.

Expectations of all parties, often unspoken, can result in hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Grandparents anticipating more togetherness may feel disappointed when their offspring are otherwise occupied. In contrast, the adage about the joys of grandchildren, “Love them and then send them home” may not hold true. In fact, too much togetherness may result in obligation, guilt and resentment.

Finally, after moving and adjusting to new circumstances and roles, there is no guarantee this new normal will continue. As Jane realized, our children may themselves relocate, leaving us feeling stranded somewhere we never expected to be.

Overwhelmed and confused? Follow these tips in order to make a well-informed and carefully considered decision:

Examine motives and expectations. Discuss these written points with a spouse, trusted friend or professional.·

Study your proposed community. Investigate the cost of living, medical care, climate, recreational and cultural activities and sources of support for seniors.·

Make a compromise. Is there a community closer but not too close? Living an hour or two away from family may provide closeness as well as some distance and independence.·

Plan for contingencies. If your children relocate, would you be happy staying behind? Would you follow?·

Stay in contact. Former friends, co-workers and other family members comprise your support system too. Connections enhance your well-being.

Even the field. If you are moving closer to one child, kindly, but firmly, explain your reasons and visit the other more frequently or for longer periods of time.

Define reasonable, but flexible boundaries. Reflect upon your availability and desire for providing child care, assisting with house care or repairs, and visiting which will enable you to maintain your autonomy while you promote satisfying interactions and mutual support with your extended family.·

Enlist advice. Listen to family concerns and expectations and respect their independence and limitations. The impact of your move will extend to all of your family — it is not just about you.·

Heed gut feelings and red flags. If uneasiness persists, there is probably just cause. Delve deeper into these warning signs.·

Try it out. A short-term furnished rental or home swap may clarify your choices.·

Support your children’s parenting. If you relocate, avoid being controlling or interfering. Respect, rather than undermine, their authority. You’ve raised your family. Now, it’s their turn.·

Be reassured. If you decide against moving closer to your family, focus on fostering strong, lifelong attachments with your grandchildren. The quality of our interactions is more important than mere physical proximity. Deep bonds form with relatively short, but regular, visits and attention.·

Cultivate optimism. Many seniors relocate to find rewarding new lives. Shaking up the usual infuses us with fresh energy. At the same time, seniors wishing to remain in their own community will find more support than ever, if that is what they choose to do.

No Timetable for Grief

Even though my baby brother is now a senior citizen, I still worry about him. John’s wife, who I loved dearly, died this summer after a long battle with cancer. They’d been married almost 40 years and were devoted partners. So, I am shocked by how quickly he has begun seeing other women. During the holidays, he brought a date to a family dinner which was uncomfortable for everyone. Now, he is planning a trip with someone else! John is well-off and a good catch. I don’t understand how his bereavement could be over so quickly. How do I tactfully warn John of his vulnerability at this time?

Remember that everyone grieves at varying rates and in different manners. Although his dating seems soon to you, John may have worked through much anticipatory grief during his wife’s lengthy decline. Anticipatory grief is the normal mourning that occurs with an impending loss and may be experienced by a close relative or friend or by dying persons themselves. This roller coaster of emotions plunges those affected into anxiety, dread, guilt, hopelessness and all the other emotional, spiritual, cognitive and physical challenges characteristic of bereavement — all while the loved one is still alive.

Anticipatory grief does not always occur nor does it necessarily shorten or take the place of grief that occurs after the death. In some cases though, couples who have confronted terminal illnesses together reach a point of acceptance before the ill partner has passed away. The primary emotion the surviving spouse may then feel is relief that their loved one is no longer suffering. When survivors let go of any lingering and unnecessary guilt about these feelings of relief, they move towards resuming a life that has been put on hold for a very long time.

A good recommendation for those who are grieving is to avoid making any life-altering decisions for a year after the death of a loved one. You are correct in identifying the vulnerability and uncertainty characteristic of this period. Still, there are no templates for grief and no blueprint for the correct time to resume a social life. Rather, it is an individual process and should not be measured or judged.

Your closeness to your sister-in-law may be influencing your view of John’s budding romances. Keep that in mind. But, if you wish, try to approach John with your concerns in a light-hearted manner, leaning upon “big sister responsibilities and rights.” Above all, avoid shaming him because his grief does not appear to be lasting as long as you think it should. Remind him of your love and concern for his well-being. Suggest that he not rush into any entangling alliances, but rather enjoy this time of freedom. Express your support and continued openness to including his guests in family activities. Yes, it may feel uncomfortable but keep your eye on the prize: a good relationship with your brother.

The Sweet Sound of Music

I’ve always wanted to take music lessons and I recently inherited a piano. Is this a foolish dream? I’ve never played an instrument and cannot even read music!

Go ahead! Sign yourself up and get prepared to rack up points in keeping your mind sharp and lowering your stress level at the same time.

Like doing crossword puzzles or studying another language, learning to play a musical instrument is a great way to maintain optimal brain function. Because making music involves facing challenges, focusing and working toward goals, it is exercise for the brain. Just like our bodies, our brains need exercise to stay healthy.

In addition, playing a musical instrument lowers our stress levels. Stress happens! Stress arises from a confrontation with a difficult family member, a traffic snarl or from having too many tasks on our ever-growing to-do list. Stress is simply part of our everyday life and unfortunately, our bodies do not distinguish well between a minor irritation and a serious threat in our environment. Whenever stress occurs, biochemical changes flood every cell in our bodies. Over time, this stress response become habitual and our bodies pay the price with physical and psychological ailments.

Making music helps to reverse the process and can alleviate many of the harmful effects of stress. And guess what? You need not be a virtuoso to enjoy these benefits. In fact, playing for recreational purposes clearly packs more relaxation punch than does professional music-making, which is frequently accompanied by mastery issues and performance stress.

Remember these tips:

• · Set your intention to have a fun-filled and relaxed experience.
• · Focus on the process of playing rather than the end product of performance.
• · Frustration is OK and can stretch us. Too much aggravation can be self-defeating. If necessary, switch to an instrument like an electronic keyboard that allows even beginners to achieve results quickly.
• · Stick with it. The benefits will accrue with steady playing. Aim for at least one playing time per week to reap de-stressing benefits.

TIME, TIDE, and TAXES

“Take a break, …. they’ll wait !”

By PHIL FERRARA

For three long months winter has held the people of the Chesapeake Bay region in its icy and bone-chilling grip. But now as the vernal equinox approaches, those cold and damp winds blustering off the Bay are beginning to surrender. A touch of springtime is invading all of our senses! The visible hint of red buds is ever present in the treetops. The sweet smell of flowers and emerging plant growth is wafting across the breezes. Tree shadows are growing noticeably shorter, and the gleeful sounds of children playing outside rings in our ears. Listen closely and one hears the cry of the bluebird, the hawk and the jay as they signal their return. Passing by the local baseball fields, the sound of the crack of the bat against the ball is a sure sign the season is about to change.
But alas, springtime brings forth other memories with cares and concerns not so pleasant to our senses. Its messages are in our mailbox nearly every day lately, and its documents and data are piled high on the desk at home awaiting our attention. We are intensely aware of its certainty. Its inviolable date beckons us. April 15, 2009, looms larger and ever nearer. It is tax time!
Visions of 1040s and 1099s dance in our head. Dreams of deductions and exemptions give us hope, while nightmares of capital gains and alternative minimum tax give us pause. The whole alphabet assails our senses. Schedule A, B, C, D, E, they never end. So where should one turn? To a CPA or TurboTax? H & R Block or oneself ? Decisions abound, while the IRS awaits.
But wait! Admittedly, time, tide and taxes wait for no person. Nevertheless, it’s time to take a break and catch your breath. One of the best ways of relieving the stress is to take a few hours of respite to enjoy the wonders that abound in the Chesapeake Bay region. Washington, DC, is just minutes away, and several exciting new features have become available in the past year or so. Four are described below: The U.S. Capitol, Mount Vernon, Newseum and the National Museum of American History. So, take a breather from tax work. A refreshed mind might enable you to discover a beneficial new tax break!

U.S Capitol: The new Capitol Visitor Center opened this past December. From the east entrance you are guided through a landscaped terrace that enters into the ornate Emancipation Hall to begin your tour. The Visitor Center offers a fabulous array of films and historical information for all ages. The film, “Out of Many, One,” is an inspiring and important first step for all visitors before touring the Capitol and viewing the history displays in Exhibition Hall. Your tour inside the Capitol building with a guide will take you through the central dome and the adjoining rooms that housed the earliest Congresses. You will see impressive American works of art and numerous marble and bronze statues. For those interested in watching Congress while it is in session, instructions are available in the Web site below. Following the guided Capitol tour, the Exhibition Hall awaits you on the lower level. It chronicles the history and development of our Congress and depicts the construction and evolution of the Capitol building itself. Several rare historic documents are on display, and interactive screens allow you to explore the history of our Congress. Two theaters afford the opportunity to relax and watch both houses of Congress while they are in session.
The Visitor Center hours, directions and services may be found at www.visitthecapitol.gov
The visit is free, and the Visitor Center is open Monday-Saturday, 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.
Mount Vernon: Just two years ago the new Ford Orientation Center opened to welcome visitors with a brief action adventure film introducing George Washington. The Donald W. Reynolds Museum and Education Center opened simultaneously and presents an impressive rendition of Washington’s entire life along with the colonial era, the Revolutionary War and the first presidency. For anyone interested in history, this museum and education center is a “must see.” One could easily spend two or three hours viewing the exhibits and watching the numerous short history films. Visitors continue and tour the mansion and the estate’s 18th century buildings that supported Washington’s 8,000 acres of farms and orchards. While you walk through the mansion and climb the steps to the second floor, you will grasp the walnut banister. Contemplate that your hand rests on the very handprint of George Washington himself. Later take a moment to stand on the east porch. The mansion’s spectacular view of the Potomac will be an enduring memory. Full details for visiting are at www.MountVernon.org
Open 365 days per year, tickets vary from $7-15 (children under 5 years old free) and hours are 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. April – August.

Newseum: At 555 Pennsylvania Avenue, N.W., stands the impressive new glass and steel edifice which houses this interactive museum that explains the history and evolution of journalism. More than a dozen movie theatres and seven floors of displays bring to life both the headlines of today and yesterday as well as those of centuries past. The Berlin Wall, a live news broadcast, today’s front pages of all the world’s newspapers, the 9/11 gallery and the First Amendment’s history are just a few of the myriad of exhibits. Numerous films and theatre presentations provide an in-depth knowledge and appreciation of journalism’s contribution to our civilization. Be sure to stroll out onto the Pennsylvania Avenue Terrace up on level six for a commanding view of Washington, DC.
A complete description of visiting hours and museum programs is available at www.newseum.org
Open seven days per week, tickets vary from $13-20 (children under 6 years old are free) and hours are 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

National Museum of American History: A major construction and revitalization project was completed this fall, and this venerable museum has been transformed into a wonderful destination. Dozens of galleries inform us about the history of the electric light, the life and presidency of Abraham Lincoln, the advancement of railroad technology and the documents from significant events in our history. The flag that flew over Fort McHenry that long ago September night is displayed in a compelling fashion. The museum is a celebration of great moments and achievements in American history, as it takes you on a journey through music and sport, war and politics, science and technology and the very lives and ideals of four centuries of our fellow Americans. There are fabulous national treasures to discover and view as you wander through the galleries. Full details for visiting the museum are found at www.americanhistory.si.edu Open seven days per week, admission is free and hours are 10 a.m. to 5:30 p.m.

For more information, Phil can be reached at pferrara65@comcast.net

FIRST STEP TO STARTING YOUR OWN BUSINESS:

DISCOVER YOUR PASSION

By Louise Whiteside

You’ve been retired for a year. Eighteen holes of golf, breakfast with the guys, or lunch with the girls is becoming humdrum. You think there must be something more exciting in life.
Maybe you’re working at a job that’s less than inspiring. Or worse, you’ve just been handed that proverbial pink slip.
The thought of starting your own business has piqued your imagination more than once. You’ve played with the idea of pursuing your dreams, being in control of your own destiny, expanding your nest egg or just enjoying yourself.
If any of these scenarios fits you, starting your own business may be in your future. Let’s take it a step further and see how you answer the following soul-searching questions:
1. Why would I want to start a business?
2. What would owning my own business accomplish for me?
3. Would I enjoy working for myself, and why?
A word of caution here: If the primary reason that pops into your mind is
“to make money” or “to become wealthy,” you should probably re-examine your motives. With money as your primary goal, chances are you will quickly be disappointed.
If, on the other hand, your responses are more on the order of “to have fun,” “to do what I love,” or “to help other people get what they need or want,” you’re on the right track. Also, if you are dependent on your current job to make a living, start your business slowly and let it grow before quitting that job.
The key words you need to have in your business lexicon are “passion,” “excitement,” “enjoyment” and “love.”
You get the idea: Don’t even think about starting a new business to make money. Without passion for what you do, you won’t be able to navigate through that difficult first year. As soon as you meet the first big obstacle — and you will — you will burn out. On the other hand, you’ll discover that when you have excitement and enthusiasm for what you do, money will naturally flow your way. It cannot, and will not, work in the reverse order!
So by now you may be thinking that owning your own business could be fun and challenging for you.
“But what could I do, I have no special talents or skills,” might be your next thought.
One answer: Start with your hobby. For example, you’ve always loved gardening. How about providing a landscaping or plant-maintenance service in your community? You enjoy building things in your workshop. People are willing (and happy) to pay a good cabinetmaker or carpenter for his services. You love babies and small children. Many of your neighbors are probably clamoring for reliable day-care services.
These are just suggestions. You are limited only by your imagination. So try this fun brainstorming exercise to give you focus:
Don’t censor, just write whatever pops into your mind: List the top 10 things that bring you enjoyment and fun.
Now, for each of your “enjoyable” activities, list 10 ways you could provide a
product or service associated with that activity (for example: you love to eat. You could be a restaurant critic; write a food column; start a slow-cooker website; give cooking classes; or open a gourmet food store!)
When you’ve completed this exercise, you should have 100 business possibilities. Now it’s time to sort through your list. Eliminate any ideas that just don’t appeal to you, ones that might require more startup funds than you can afford or that seem otherwise unrealistic. Then take a good, hard look at the remaining ideas. At this point you may find the seedling of your ideal business opportunity!
Here’s another short exercise that may help you discover your business goals. Ask yourself the following questions:
What do I like to do in my spare time?
What do I like to read?
What am I good at?
What do others say I’m good at?
Take your time responding to these questions because the answers may hold important messages for you. Most of us possess talents for which we don’t give ourselves credit.
Once you have a handle on the type of business you’d like to start, you’ll have other important considerations, such as: writing a business plan, assessing the amount of startup capital you need, finding a good banker and knowing how to negotiate a business loan and hiring a reliable accountant. And then, deciding whether you perfer working alone or with a partner.
There are limitless references available at your local library and on the Internet to
help you get started (some suggested resources are listed below). The Small Business Administration is an especially good resource for the beginning business people.
Your enthusiasm will become contagious, and you will find that customers will be drawn to your obvious excitement. Next they’ll recommend you to their friends. The more services or goods you provide, the more fun you’ll have. And the more fun you have, the more money will find its way to your door.

For more information:

http://www.sba.gov/small business planner
U.S Small Business Administration: Programs and services to help you start, grow and succeed.

http://www.score.org

Service Corps of Retired Executives (SCORE)
Free online and face-to-face business counseling, mentoring, and training.

Strauss, Steven D. The Business Start-Up Kit Kaplan Business, 2002

Harper, Stephen C. The McGraw-Hill Guide to Starting Your Own Business: A Step-by-Step Blueprint for the First-Time Entrepreneur McGraw-Hill, 2003

Norman, Jan. What No One Ever Tells You About Starting Your Own Business: Real-Life Start-Up Advice from 101 Successful Entrepreneurs Dearborn Trade, 1998

Louise owned a successful independent consulting business, presenting seminars on communication, self-awareness and business skills. She can be reached at Louise@OutLookbytheBay.com

Simplifying Kitchen Time
By Emily Horton

During these times of more conscientious consumerism, there are some things that we can do to be a smarter shopper.

In my experience, planning ahead is the key ingredient to staying within the monthly grocery budget. One thing that I’ve found is that it helps to sit down and think about the weekly menu. Try to build Tuesday’s meal off of Monday’s meal, Wednesday’s meal off of Tuesday’s meal, and so on. It takes time to develop this habit, but it pays off once it becomes part of your routine. By practicing this strategy I began to really enjoy cooking. As you think through the weekly menu, make a list of the ingredients you need so you are less likely to fall into the impulse buying trap.

Another aspect of cooking within a budget is staying in season – using vegetables or fruits that are currently being harvested. A resource I found to track the seasonal vegetables is at http://www.fruitsandveggiesmorematters.org Using seasonal fruits and vegetables will not only be less expensive, but it’s a great way to vary your meals. Stay within these guidelines and you may find yourself incorporating vegetables that the ordinary consumer has seldom used. I used celery root for the first time recently because it was in season. It made an interesting addition to a quick luncheon salad.

A thought that goes hand in hand with buying seasonal vegetables is that buying local supports the neighborhood farms. Find farmer’s markets in the area where you live and frequent them so you can get to know the farmers, the produce they grow and how it’s grown. Something that always goes through my mind when I am food shopping at a grocery store or at a farmer’s market is what did it take for that piece of fruit to get to this store, or how much effort went into growing the fruit or vegetables? Ideally, I would love it if my response was “the neighborhood farm grew this yellow squash” or “the local apple orchard grew these apples.” Local farms are not as prevalent in my hometown, but the farmers markets bring them to me.

Here’s an example of building your menu using locally grown asparagus in season. On Monday, prepare a chicken and pasta dish, including fresh asparagus sprinkled with olive oil and Parmesan cheese. To build off of Monday’s dinner for Tuesday, plan homemade chicken tenders with roasted asparagus and tomatoes with whole wheat couscous garnished with feta cheese (home crumbled, of course) and chives. For Wednesday, build off of Monday and Tuesday by cooking up the remaining whole wheat pasta and once cooked, add cherry tomatoes and spinach, sprinkle with Parmesan cheese. (You can also add Italian sausage for the meat lovers out there.)

Here’s the lineup in more detail:

Monday’s Meal – Pasta tossed with Chicken, asparagus and Parmesan cheese

Brown chicken in a saute pan
Saute asparagus
Cook whole wheat pasta, strain
Drizzle olive oil over cooked pasta and sprinkle Parmesan cheese and garlic pepper
Add chicken and asparagus and toss
Serve on warmed plate

Tuesday’s Meal – Chicken tenders, roasted asparagus and cherry tomatoes, whole wheat couscous garnished with feta and chives.

Wash asparagus and tomatoes, place on baking sheet, drizzle oil and pepper
Place in 400-degree oven, cook for approximately 20 minutes
Fill deep pan with canola oil and turn heat on medium, flour chicken tenders and place in oil
Cook couscous about 10 minutes before you are ready to eat
Chop chives and crumble feta cheese, set aside
Combine chives and feta with couscous
Serve on a warm plate

Wednesday’s Meal – Whole Wheat Pasta tossed with Cherry Tomatoes and Spinach (Italian Sausage optional)
Cook remaining whole wheat pasta
Once done, toss with olive oil, cherry tomatoes, spinach and Parmesan cheese.

These recipes are so easy and should not take longer than 30 minutes from start to plate. When you are preparing the pasta, you only need to use enough of the box to serve you and your dinner guests. Remember to portion out your meals so you do not have the opportunity to over eat. The goal at the end of these easy but delicious meals is to be satisfied, not uncomfortably full.

Remember, plan ahead, write it down, buy seasonal and buy local!

Emily Horton is currently training at L’Academie de Cuisine in Gaithersburg. She can be reached at emilyehorton@yahoo.com

Starting Over Using Your Signature Strengths
By Vicki Duncan
Have you seen the recently released movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button? If not, put it on your list for an entertaining and thought-provoking viewing. It is, indeed, the curious case in which Benjamin, the main character played by Brad Pitt, ages in reverse. In other words, he is born as a wizened infant who grows to be a geriatric toddler, a middle-aged man, a young man and a baby. It’s a long movie and a technical marvel because the reverse aging is so effectively presented.
While there are many themes and layers to this movie based on a story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, one stand-out piece is the lesson that it is never too late to start over. If you don’t like what you’re doing, how you’re spending your time, or how you are operating within your important relationships, start again in a new way. That is sound advice for us boomers and beyond, who may find ourselves at various crossroads. It is also sound advice for those of us who grew up hearing that we could have it all but somehow never quite pulled it off—at least not all at the same time or in the manner that we had wished to do.
Possibly now is the time to backtrack and pick up some of those pieces dropped along the way while we were raising children and pursuing careers. Perhaps it isn’t too late to start over and do something totally new, either as a job or an avocation. Maybe you’re not ready to toss it all, but the old way of doing things feels stale. Or perhaps you just feel an inner restlessness for a change and really do not have a clue what that could be. You’re a good sport and willing to give something new a whirl—if only to shake things up a bit—but you don’t know where to start.
Science to the Rescue
The answer may lie in the burgeoning field of positive psychology. This relatively new focus of psychology, a field that traditionally focuses on pathology and treating mental illness, seeks to understand and promote what makes us have more satisfying and happier lives. By applying some of the principles which have been extensively researched, we can improve the level of fulfillment and increase our amount of positive emotion in areas such as our jobs, our relationships and even in the way we spend our leisure time. We can apply these principles in order to get a fresh start in any part of our life.
For example, take a look at the much researched concept of “signature strengths.” Psychologists trained in the field of positive psychology maintain that each of us possess a number of attributes or constructive traits. Among these qualities, there exist just a handful of strengths that are so deeply embedded in our individual character that they are intrinsic to whom we are as a person. This individualized cluster of positive characteristics comprises our signature strengths and when we identify and incorporate them into our lives, research suggests that we are happier.
These researchers have identified 24 core signature strengths (listed in the side bar) found to be valued across all cultures and belief systems. These strengths are not to be confused with talents, such as the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound, the physical attributes of Scarlett Johansson, or the resonant voice of Andrea Bocelli. While talents can be improved upon with instruction and practice, we are born with these basic aptitudes. On the other hand, strengths are qualities that can be acquired by any ordinary person with enough time, effort and determination.
Identifying Your Own Signature Strengths
If you’re wondering what the heck your own signature strengths are, where they’ve been hiding, and how you can track down these qualities without hiring an expensive psychologist, don’t despair. Some industrious researchers have done the work for you and made it incredibly easy to have a personal encounter with your very own signature strengths.
The easiest and most accurate way to lasso your distinctive profile of strengths is by taking the free VIA (values in action) Strengths survey online at either www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/ or at www.viastrengths.org/ Both of these sites require registration to access the test and a wealth of other information about this subject. If you’d prefer to go it on your own, there is an abbreviated form of the survey in Martin Seligman’s interesting book, Authentic Happiness, which is now available in paperback.
As you read over the list of strengths, some may jump out to you more than others. For example, some of the traits will speak to you as: 1) Those that you enjoy, e.g., your friends refer to you as the next Martha Stewart (creativity); 2). Those that come easily to you, e.g., it’s natural for you to stick with a project (persistence); 3) Those that you are able to do well but don’t enjoy, e.g., you’ve learned to chair a committee with efficiency (leadership), but find it tedious and tiresome.; 4) Those that you want to do well but that do not come easily, –e.g., you’d love to be able to tell jokes but always forget the punch line (humor).
The strengths that you are looking for are the ones that you both enjoy doing and are also good at using. These are the ones that when used with innovation and regularity will bring you the most joy and satisfaction. And while you may certainly choose to build on those that are less strong, positive psychology holds that it is more useful and rewarding to capitalize on your natural abilities rather than focus on your deficiencies.
Using your Strengths
After you’ve identified your signature strengths, you’ll know when you are using them because you’ll have the feeling of being in flow with your natural abilities. You probably already do this to some extent and may even take it for granted because it’s second nature. You’ll learn to pay attention to these strengths, feel a sense of ownership for them, and seek new opportunities to re-create that easy flow of energy and effort. When we use our signature strengths, we learn related activities easily, become engrossed in what we are doing and look forward to using these special gifts more often.
Incorporating Your Strengths into Your Life
Now that you’re acquainted with what comprises your personal bests and understand what it feels like to be “in the zone” of using and enjoying them, move on to incorporate them into all parts of your life. Whether it is your job, your leisure or in the arena of personal relationships, these special abilities are rich reservoirs from which you can draw upon to enhance your entire life. Choose just one of your identified strengths and commit to using it in a new way every day. Research has shown that this practice will have long-term positive effects on your level of happiness.
Let’s look at an example of how you can do this with just one signature strength. If you’ve identified love of learning as one of your top strengths, it can be applied to your career in several ways. You could search out and attend seminars and workshops to learn skills that will further you in your present job or you could also consider going back to school for an entirely new career. In your leisure time, you could play to this interest and ability and sign up for a Spanish class, visit a new museum each month or join a local book club. In your personal life, share your love of learning with your grandchildren and teach them a new skill. And with your spouse, consider taking an educational vacation where you can each focus on a particular interest or hobby.
Keep on Growing
As you become more adept and creative about using your signature strengths in a variety of situations, a positive, upward spiral begins to take shape. You may find that you have a new bounce in your step that stems from using your natural abilities in new ways and you will find relief from dwelling on your shortcomings.

The 24 Signature Strengths
Classified by Dr. Christopher Peterson of the University of Michigan

1. Curiosity: interest, novelty-seeking, open to experience
2. Creativity: ingenuity and originality
3. Open-mindedness: judgment, critical thinking
4. Love of learning
5. Perspective: wisdom
6. Bravery: valor
7. Persistence: perseverance, industriousness
8. Integrity: honesty, authenticity
9. Vitality: zest, enthusiasm, vigor, energy
10. Love
11. Kindness: generosity, care, nurturing, compassion, altruistic love, “niceness”
12. Social intelligence: emotional intelligence, personal intelligence
13. Citizenship: social responsibility, loyalty, teamwork
14. Fairness, equity, and justice
15. Leadership
16. Forgiveness and mercy
17. Humility and modesty
18. Prudence
19. Self-Regulation: self-control
20. Appreciation of beauty and excellence: awe, wonder, elevation
21. Gratitude
22. Hope: optimism, future-mindedness, future orientation
23. Humor: playfulness
24. Spirituality: religiousness, faith, purpose

The New 1031 Handbook: Good News for Real Estate Investors
By Bettye J. Matthews, CPA
AuthorHouse, Bloomington, IN (2006)
For those of you that currently invest in real estate, have invested in real estate or are considering investing in real estate, I recommend that you consider purchasing The 1031 Handbook! By: Bettye J Matthews, CPA.
The author, a CPA for more than 30 years, does a fantastic job of taking something as difficult as the Internal Revenue Code (as it pertains to real estate tax-deferred exchanges), and makes it relatively understandable.
She is president of Florida Real Estate Exchange Connection Inc., in Naples, Fla., and Exchange Professionals Inc., in Maryland. As a qualified intermediary and accommodator, she has been involved with numerous 1031 exchanges, which qualifies her as an expert on the subject.
Simply put, a 1031 exchange is when a property owner decides to sell a property (or multiple properties) and wishes to defer having to pay the capital gains taxes. This can be accomplished by taking the sale proceeds and moving them into another property ( or properties) by using the process laid out by the IRS. Please keep in mind that there are multiple rules that need to be followed in such a transaction, so it would be wise to consult with your tax adviser or CPA regarding the process.
As a financial planner, I have been involved with 1031 exchanges, so I understand the complexity of such a strategy, and the power of that strategy when used properly. There are numerous rules that govern the transaction, and if these rules aren’t met, there is the definite possibility that the entire process will be disallowed by the Internal Revenue Service.

What I find refreshing about the book is that it doesn’t bog the reader down with too much industry jargon. I know that I am always a bit out of sort when I am reading about a subject that is out of my area of expertise, and I have to keep asking the question, “What did the author mean by that, what does that term mean?” That being said, when industry jargon could not be avoided, Bettye did a nice job of defining the terminology, and making it easy to understand.
A reader will learn the terminology involved with 1031 exchanges, the different types of exchanges, the time line (which is extremely important with the IRS) which one must follow during a 1031 exchange, types of items to avoid, and what type of exchange might best be appropriate for your unique set of circumstances. The book is written in large text, and has calculations and examples throughout. There are two simplified case studies: one involving a forward exchange, and one involving a reverse exchange. There is also a section dedicated toward showing what the courts have said about 1031 exchanges in past cases. It also does a nice job of covering how a TIC (tenants In common) property can play a positive role in an exchange for those that have invested in real estate, and now wish to relinquish some of the headaches that go along with real estate—management, maintenance, rent collection, etc.–while still enjoying all of the advantages that real estate can offer—steady income, tax advantages, and potential capital appreciation.
Do I believe you will be an expert on 1031 exchanges after reading the book? No, I do not. I do, however, believe the author intended this book to be a guide, a primer if you will. It is a wonderful introduction that takes a pretty complex strategy and breaks it down into something understandable.
~ John Zinaich

A History of the World in 6 Glasses
By Tom Standage
Walker & Company, New York (2006)

A History of the World in 6 Glasses is one of the new wave of popular, but scholarly histories that takes a particular point of departure from the lens through which its vision comes. In the case of this engaging volume, the perspective is beverages— both alcoholic and non-alcoholic.
A glance at the chapter headings brings this into focus. The beginning chapters deal with fermented and distilled libations: Beer in Mesopotamia and Egypt; Wine in Greece and Rome; and Spirits in the Colonial Period. The final chapters cover non-alcoholic beverages that continue in vogue today—Coffee in the Age of Reason; Tea and the British Empire; Coca-Cola and the Rise of America.
I recommend this book not only for its information and but its lighthearted tone. Fascinating nuggets lie on every page. For example, in Mesopotamia and Egypt “wages and rations were paid in bread and beer, as cereal grains were the basis of the economy.” Centuries later, in the Age of Exploration, distillation of spirits resulted in a “compact, durable form of alcohol ideal for sea transport.” Apparently, brandy, rum and whiskey were used as currency to buy slaves.
Coffee was esteemed in England because it promoted “clarity of thought.”Due to the fact that the water to prepare it was boiled, it was as safe to drink as beer, which had previously been the beverage of choice. The subsequent craze for tea led Britain to expand trade with China and India, and in so doing became the world’s first superpower.
And so it goes. Tea was popular in early 18th century factories because it “kept workers alert on long … shifts and improved their concentration when operating fast-moving machines.” In addition, the “natural antibacterial properties of tea were also an advantage, since they reduced the prevalence of waterborne diseases, even when the water used to make tea had not been properly boiled.
The chapter on tea and colonial American history is the clearest exposition of that issue I have read. And the section on Coca-Cola brings us right to the present with an examination of global trade. ~ Tricia Herban

THE GOOD EARTH
By Pearl S. Buck
Simon and Shuster, New York, 1931
First Pocket Books, published in 1973

Pearl S. Buck commented on her choice of China for the setting for the classic The Good Earth: “I can only write what I know, and I know nothing but China, having always lived there.”
Ms. Buck demonstrates her understanding of China and the Chinese people in her graphic view of the country when it was ruled by an emperor and before the social upheavals of the 20th century. This fascinating story of a poor, honest farmer named Wang Lung and his long suffering wife, O-Lan, is especially important reading for anyone who wants to understand and appreciate the vast changes that have occurred in the lives of the Chinese people. The situations and people in The Good Earth were familiar to Pearl Buck as she lived in China for 35 years, from the time she was an infant of three months to when she left to attend college in Virginia. After college she decided to return after she was notified of the illness of her mother still living in China. She married an American who lived there and they made their home in the northern part of that country. After divorcing Dr. Buck, she returned to the United States, married the president of a publishing company and spent her later years raising her family in Bucks County, Pennsylvania.
The story follows the life of Wang Lung thru his years as a poor farmer, with a great love of “the good earth,” through famine, drought, locusts, looting and begging to his rise to the status of a wealthy land owner. We become familiar with his three sons and two daughters, one of whom he calls the “fool,” because her life consists of eating, sitting in corners and twisting a piece of cloth. In a theme related to his higher social status, Wang Lung brings a concubine named Lotus into his house while treating his wife as a servant.
Ms. Buck’s use of simple, but descriptive and lyrical language, while also not confusing the modern American reader, takes you back into a time that is hard for the modern reader to understand. Romantic love was not known in this time in China, and women were chosen as wives for other reasons than love. Wang Lung was one of China’s common people, people that Pearl Buck knew well. His loyalty to his family, his love of the earth and responsibility toward the past and the future are beautifully woven into the fabric of this must-read classic book.
The Good Earth won Pearl S. Buck a Pulitzer Prize. She also was the only woman to win the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1938 for “rich and genuine portrayals of Chinese peasant life and for masterpieces of biography.”

~ Peggy Kiefer

Wisdom from the Plant World
By Neil Moran
We usually think of plants as providing us with beauty, food or medicine. Perhaps, though we ignore the lessons that can be learned from the world of plants. By their very nature, they can show us the way to patience, love and hope, according to Gina Mohammed, PhD and author of a delightful book titled: Catnip and Kerosene Grass. For example, many cacti survive and even flower with very little water. We can look to the cactus as a source of inspiration to persevere when we experience our own “drought” of ideas, inspiration and hope. Hang in there, is what the cactus seems to say; rain will come and you’ll get a chance to show your bright colors.
Here is a selection of unique plants of the world and what Mohammed says they have to teach us.
Islaya Cactus
Making the most of what we have

This cactus can be found in the deserts along the Pacific Coast in South America. Years can go by with little or no rain, the cactus surviving only by the scant mists that reach it off the ocean. And it has no roots at all, yet it will someday flower. The Islaya cactus doesn’t let the fact it has no roots stop it from achieving great things.
We may rightfully feel limited by a physical disability, such as lack of mobility. However, we still have other strengths, such as the gift of our hands to create, or a smile of encouragement for others. Like the Islaya, let’s use what we have to make the most of our day.
Forests
You’ve helped others grow strong

A mature forest represents generations of change. After a fire or a clearing by loggers, seedlings such as jack pine, birch and aspen emerge quickly. Then come the species that don’t mind a little shade: white pine, red pine and cedars. As a forest matures you’ll see tall spruce, stately hemlock and resilient fir trees.
You should take great pride in the contribution you’ve made to the generations that have followed you. Your solid advice and giving spirit will help those people grow strong and tall.
Partridge Pea
A diamond in the rough
Out on the prairies there is a wildflower called the partridge pea. Though it has lovely bright yellow flowers, they are often hidden under foliage. It is also a sensitive plant; its leaves quickly fold when touched.
Do you know people like that? It seems they have a story to tell or a gift to give, but they are reserved, not opening up to just any passerby. Seek out the people among you who may seem reserved and shy, but probably have much to say if we take the time to listen and get to know them.
Kerosene Grass
Relax, unwind
In the Australian Outback is a peculiar weed called kerosene grass, named for its extreme flammability when dry. An old outback trick is to moisten its fruit in your mouth and then shove it partway into the sand. Immediately it starts to swirl, burrowing the seed base into the ground. It unwinds by a clever method whereas springy strands within the seed structure relax and untwist. It is an ingenious method of reseeding itself after a rain.
When our daily lives become very busy and tense, we literally “work ourselves into a tizzy.” How often does this happen and what do you do about it? Let’s be like the kerosene grass and develop a plan to “untwist” and unwind from all that stress.
Lavender
Rise above your circumstances
Every year when the lavender plant flowers by my office door, I pull handfuls of the beautifully scented flowers off the flower stems and put them in my top pocket. If I get feeling tense during the day I can take a whiff of the sweet aroma of my lavender. I also like to take cupfuls to the ladies who work stressful jobs in the offices where I work. They really appreciate the sweet aroma and I believe it helps them through their day.
Once established, lavender is tough to kill. It can withstand a certain amount of neglect, like lack of water, and still do well.
This should remind us of those folks who may have survived neglect or inattention in their formative years, yet went on to do great and wonderful things.
Button Wood
Get up and try again
Are you familiar with this tree that grows in hurricane-prone areas? If so, you know that once knocked down by the fierce winds of a hurricane, it will eventually grow upright again. The trunk may lie horizontally on the ground for a bit, but then eventually start growing skyward again. Pretty amazing.
Have you ever been down to the point you didn’t think you’d get up again? Sure you have. We all have. Take it from the buttonwood. If you feel down, try to reach out for something or someone. It will help you gain your footing so you can get back up and march on.
Snowdrops
Ahead of the pack
Just before spring awakens, when the only snow left is in little patches hiding in shady areas around our home, you may see tiny flowers bloom. These are the snowdrops. Snowdrops “brave the chills and lashings of winter’s last breath” in a way that should surprise and impress us.
The brave little snowdrops take the lead in the plant world as spring returns. Are you one to take the lead in a positive way, like the snowdrops, or do you sit back and wait and see what the “weather will bring” like the tulips? If you’re the latter kind, that’s OK. There is nothing wrong with being deliberate. But if you wish to come out of your comfort zone and take the lead some time, think of the brave snowdrops!
Pine
Here’s to your health
Pine cones could be good for you. No, I’m not suggesting you eat one! However, you may find it interesting that the tannins from pine cones and some other plants, can inhibit the enzymes in our bodies that trigger a stroke. To prevent tragedy, these medicines have to be administered quickly after a stroke.
And as Gina Mohammed said “Let’s not wait for a stroke or other ailment to take action. Act now to avoid health problems by eating right, exercising and getting plenty of rest. And don’t forget the great powers of prayer, faith and a mellow constitution.”

Neil is a horticulturist and teacher and can be reached at MoranNeil@hughes.net